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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24304216">Where Thou Art</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwoAmusements/pseuds/TwoAmusements'>TwoAmusements</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>1860s, Alternate Universe - Historical, Alternate Universe - No Powers, American Civil War, Happy Ending, M/M, Slow Burn, historical gays</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 02:46:55</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>22,720</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24304216</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwoAmusements/pseuds/TwoAmusements</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>James Buchanan Barnes is a man with a secret and where better to hide than the unsettled Western Territories? Steven Grant Rogers is a man with a secret and where better to hide than the unsettled Western Territories? Will a chance encounter allow these two men to move on from their pasts and forge a brighter future, together? Is this story really just an excuse for the author to put his otherwise useless knowledge about 19th century America to use? The answers to these questions and more await.</p><p>TW: Character Death (mentioned) Lynching (mentioned)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>57</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is a story that I've been bouncing around for quite a while. I love historical fiction and I hate the dearth of queer content in that particular genre, so I'm taking matters into my own hands.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“<em>Where thou art, that is home</em>”</p><p>Emily Dickinson</p><p>Chapter One</p><p>The smell of horse was more pervasive than he had ever imagined, not that he minded it too much. When James Buchanan Barnes had first accepted the job to work for the Pony Express at the last station of the Nebraska Territory, he had been both destitute and desperate. The trip out west had been much harder than he had imagined, and the territories were far less civilized than the papers made it seem.</p><p>Bucky had been working at the station for the last six months and had hated close to every minute of it. <em>If I stay here much longer, I’ll never be able to wash the smell off</em>. He thought grimly as he continued sweeping the dirt up. <em>How can there be so much horse smell in here? The stables are half a mile away from the bunks.</em></p><p>“Hey Mr. Barnes!”</p><p>The overly excited voice was undoubtedly that of Peter Parker, the newest recruit to their branch. Bucky heaved a sigh. Normally he did his best to avoid the eager young rider, but he’d been so lost in thought he hadn’t noticed his appearance.</p><p>“What’s up Potter?” His attempts to offput the boy by incessantly referring to him by the wrong name had not worked thus far, but Bucky was far from a quitter. Unfortunately, Peter seemed to have accepted it as a sign of affection, smiling crookedly with all the school-boy charm he could muster even in the face of Bucky’s grim glower.</p><p>“Coulson and Barton are looking for you. They said it’s important and to stop whatever you’re doing.”</p><p><em>Ah damn</em> Bucky thought <em>What do they want now?</em> Nevertheless, Bucky shoved his broom into Peter’s hands and strode away, leaving the boy standing holding the broom, unsure whether he was supposed to finish Bucky’s work or not.</p><p>As he walked up to the manager’s office, he heard voices talking in rapid, hushed tones that Bucky quickly recognized as the sound of conspiring, a sound he had once been all too familiar with. He slowed his pace hoping to catch a snippet of what they were saying, but he was only able to understand a few words including “unhappy,” “weird behavior,” and “scandal.” Bucky felt his stomach drop to his feet and his hands started to shake. <em>Have they found out? I thought Nebraska would be far enough away! Should I just go now?</em> But before he made a decision, the door swung open and there was Phillip Coulson. This was not a man who left much of an impression at first glance, but there was a steely glint in his eye that made people respect him despite his unassuming appearance.</p><p>“Barnes, I’m glad Parker was able to find you.” Bucky stayed where he was torn between walking through Coulson’s door and running away as fast as his legs would carry him. “Come on man, I haven’t got all day.” This phrase along with the accompanying jerk of the head was enough to pull Bucky hesitantly into the office. He knew Clint would be trying to make eye contact with him, but he kept his eyes firmly planted on his scuffed-up boots, too afraid to risk seeing the look of disgust he knew he would find there. He heard Coulson close the door and march back to his desk. As he settled into his chair, Bucky continued staring at his boots, there was a new scuff on the left one, he hadn’t noticed when it happened, <em>maybe there was a rock in the stables</em>. His mind scrambled at a pace he could barely keep up with, as braced himself for a terrifying confrontation.</p><p>“Well Barnes” Coulson began “How long will it take you to get the bunks in picture perfect condition?”</p><p>Bucky’s head jerked up to look at Coulson, that was not the question he had been expecting.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“You heard me. How long will it take you to get the bunks in picture perfect condition?” A wave of relief crashed over Bucky, allowing him to let out a breath he had forgotten he’d been holding.</p><p>“Probably a week, maybe less if Barton keeps his muddy boots off of the clean floors.” The relief he felt caused Bucky to crack a joke he would otherwise not have, Coulson was not famed for his sense of humor. Clint let out a short, sharp laugh before regaining his composure.</p><p>“Good, make sure you keep it in top condition. There is a photographer coming all the way from Topeka to take pictures of the place next Tuesday. The bosses want to ensure the public gets the best impression of the Pony Express that they can. Especially as talk of a transcontinental railroad continues to gain prominence.”</p><p>Bucky nodded, only half listening, still focused on the freedom and relief he was feeling.</p><p>“Barton, I want you to make sure every man here takes a bath and tidies up so we can look as respectable as possible for when this picture is in the paper.”</p><p>Just like that, the relief he’d felt was dashed out like a bucket of cold water.</p><p>“They want us in the pictures? As in all of us?” In his panic his voice came out strained and loud in a stark contrast to the low grumble he normally tried to keep.</p><p>“Yes Barnes, the whole team.”</p><p>“No!” Bucky hadn’t meant for that to slip out, but it was too late to turn back. Coulson eyed him coolly, eyebrows raised.</p><p>“What did you say Barnes?” An icy warning creeping into his tone.</p><p>“Aw c’mon chief, no one wants to see Barnes’ ugly face anyways. It might scare any potential new recruits away.” Clint’s quick intervention followed up with his most dazzling smile was the only thing saving Bucky from one of Coulson’s infamous verbal assaults. Instead he made a noncommittal “humph” and went back to the paperwork on his desk. A clear sign the two had been dismissed.  Never one to overstay his welcome, Bucky hurried out of the office and started back towards the bunks to finish cleaning up.</p><p>He was halfway back before he noticed Clint was following him.</p><p>“What do you want Barton?” he asked, not breaking stride.</p><p>“How about a ‘thank you for saving my ass’? Coulson would have torn you apart if I hadn’t stepped in.” Bucky knew he was right but refused to give him the satisfaction of admitting it, so instead he grumbled a brief “I could have handled it myself.” To which Clint, much to Bucky’s frustration, only laughed</p><p>“Come on Bucky, you’ve been here for six months. I saved you and you know it.”</p><p>“Fine” Bucky said, beginning to feel some amusement despite his best efforts to remain cold “Thank you for being so chivalrous as to save my ass. Are you happy now?”</p><p>“Borderline delirious. In fact, I’m so happy I think I need to sing.”</p><p>“Barton please, I thanked you, there’s no need to torture me anymore” Bucky said with a laugh. Clint’s voice was legendarily poor, and he had used it to torment many a soul since joining the Express. The two laughed together before settling into a brief companionable silence as they arrived back at the bunks. Where they found Peter, still standing in the middle of the room, still holding Bucky’s broom, still unsure of what to do. Clint solved his dilemma for him by taking the broom and politely, but firmly shoving the boy outside. He then handed Bucky the broom and perched himself atop one of the beds.</p><p> “Are you ever going to tell me what you’re running from?” Bucky pretended not to hear the question as he returned to his sweeping. “Bucky, I know you heard me. I’m the one with the bad ears, not you.” Bucky sighed and turned to face his friend, resting his arms on the broom handle.</p><p>“What makes you think I’m running?”</p><p>“It’s the territories, we’re all running from something. Whether we like to admit it or not, the Pony Express is a great cover for hiding from the rest of the world. What’s the matter, did your gal marry someone else?”</p><p>“Sure, let’s go with that.” Bucky began sweeping again, hoping this would end the conversation, but Barton never gave up that easily.</p><p>“I’ll tell you what I’m running from, if you tell me.” Bucky sighed again, louder this time.</p><p>“Look Clint, it’s not that I don’t want to tell you, I don’t enjoy keeping everything to myself, but it’s better this way. Smarter. Safer.” The last word had been said at almost a whisper.</p><p>“Okay, I get it. You don’t have to tell me right now but listen, I’m going off on another ride in about an hour and when I get back you and I are going to have a long talk about exactly what happened. I’m sure it isn’t as bad as you think.” Following this surprisingly touching statement, Clint launched into an extremely long and overly detailed story about his encounter with a grizzly bear. The kind of story just crazy enough to be true if it was told by anyone other than Clint. Before long Bucky was laughing and the sun was shining through the window, filling the room with the warm glow of the evening.</p><p>All too soon the door swung open, revealing the exhausted figure of Scott Lang, a rider from the preceding station.</p><p>“There you are Barton. It took me twenty minutes to find you, you’re going to put us behind schedule if you don’t hurry up. Mr. Majors will be very disappointed.”</p><p>“Well maybe we wouldn’t have to worry if you weren’t such a shitty rider Lang.” Nevertheless, Clint hopped down from his perch and grabbed the mail bag from Scott and threw his mochila over his shoulder. “Don’t have too much fun without me Barnes, we’re gonna have that talk when I get back.” And with that pronouncement, he was gone.</p><p>“What kind of talk are you going to have?” Scott probed, never one to be left out of the loop.</p><p>“Oh, you know, whether you were born that ugly or if you had some sort of terrible accident that made you this way.” Scott staggered back clutching at his heart.</p><p>“Barnes, how you wound me. Remind me to give you a cutting retort when I wake up. I’m too tired to craft one now.”</p><p>In response, Bucky rolled his eyes and strolled out of the room, leaving Scott to sleep and recover from the strenuous ride he had just taken. As he closed the door behind him, Bucky was struck with an odd sensation. It wasn’t quite happiness, but it was close enough.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Whew, I made it! Chapter One is complete. I plan on updating every Thursday, so I hope to see you back next week to see where Bucky goes next. If you want to chat about this story, another story, or life general come find me on Tumblr (@twoamusements), I just started a brand new blog specifically dedicated to my writing, with occasional appearances from my artwork. Thank you for reading!</p><p>-TA</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Bucky's past creeps back into his life, much to his chagrin.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A brief warning because chapter does have a brief non-consensual sexual encounter. It happens at about 1200 words in and only goes on for a few paragraphs. It isn't especially graphic, but I didn't want it sneak on someone who wasn't expecting it. There is also some vomiting, but I tried to keep it as PG as possible.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Mr. Barnes!”</p><p><em>Damn</em>. Bucky thought on knees in the vegetable garden, <em>I must be losing my touch</em>. As Peter caught up to him for the second time in a week.</p><p>“What is it now <em>Percy</em>?” with overt emphasis on the incorrect name “I’m busy.” Bucky griped as he pressed his hands on his knees and pushed up from the squatted position. “Well?” said Bucky impatiently as he turned around to face the boy who, upon closer inspection, was a magnificent shade of green. “Peter are you okay?”</p><p>“Mr. Barnes, I don’t feel so good.” And as he said it, Peter’s face shifted from green to white and he toppled over. Bucky lunged forward and caught the kid just in time to keep him from smashing his head into the dirt right on top of the carrots Bucky had just been tending.</p><p>“Peter—Peter, can you stand?” Bucky tried to bring the boy back to reality, but all he could muster was a quiet “uuuuuhhh” which Bucky took as confirmation that he could, in fact, not stand. Saying a quick prayer for strength and another for patience despite his questionable religious practices, Bucky hoisted Peter into his arms and carried him back to the bunks, where he would lay him down and get someone to help the boy while Bucky got back to tending the garden.</p><p>This hope was dashed as soon as he opened the door to the bunk. Bucky was greeted by the sight of three more men, all sweating profusely and clutching their sides. As he stood in the doorway, trying to process what he was witnessing he felt Peter convulse in his arms and before he had time to react, the boy vomited down Bucky’s legs and onto his only pair of shoes.</p><p>“Damnit!” But the rest of his expletive died on his lips as he saw Peter’s eyes roll back in his head. <em>The poor kid is completely out of it</em>. He laid the sick boy on the nearest bed, taking care to place him on his side should he vomit in his sleep. Then went to the pitcher in the corner of the room and filled a tin cup with water, which he brought back to Peter and gently coerced the boy into drinking. With some of his fluids restored the boy began to rouse.</p><p>“Mr. Barnes?” He asked, in a voice stunted by illness. “What happened?”</p><p>“You passed out kid” he responded in a matter of fact voice “Then you vomited all over my good shoes.” The look of abject horror that rose on Peter’s pale and sweaty face caused a knot to settle in Bucky’s stomach. “Don’t worry about it, they’ll clean up alright. Besides, I’ve never much cared for them anyway.” Peter chuckled a little, then scrunched his face in pain grabbing at his stomach.</p><p>“Am I dying? Why does everything hurt?” Now it was Bucky’s turn to chuckle.</p><p>“I think you may just pull through; from the looks of things you just ate something that was past its time to be food. It’ll be unpleasant, but you’ll be back to your aggravatingly chipper self in no time.” As Bucky spoke, he stood and crossed again to the water pitcher before returning with the newly refilled cup. “Drink up. You’re going to have to work to keep yourself hydrated.” Peter took the cup obediently. “Alright, I’m going to go clean up and then I’ll be back to check on you, try not to do anything too drastic while I’m gone.” Peter chuckled weakly and took a sip of water as Bucky affectionately rumpled his hair. <em>Maybe this kid isn’t so bad after all. Seeing him like this almost reminds me of Rebecca</em>. Bucky quickly stopped this train of thought before it became anymore painful. He’d had enough pain for now.</p><p>Bucky quickly strode across the station desperate to rinse himself, and his clothes, off in the river. Unfortunately, as his fingers wrapped around the doorknob, he heard his name called.</p><p>“Barnes”</p><p><em>Damnit, what now?</em>  Impatience souring his thoughts. Coulson walked up with a man he did not recognize. <em>A rider.</em> Bucky assumed, but closer inspection forced him to reconsider. <em>He’s too big to be a rider and he’s not dressed like one</em>. The mysterious man was dressed in a way that made him stick out like a sore thumb, in a full suit, which juxtaposed oddly with the rough wilderness around them. <em>He doesn’t have a clue what it’s like to be out here. </em>Bucky thought somewhat coldly, only to have another thought appear. <em>Is this what I used to look like? Silly, vapid, and completely unable to survive by myself.</em> Despite his inappropriate attire, Bucky could not deny the suit fit the man’s physique extraordinarily well. A thought which he quickly shoved into that corner of his mind where he shoved all the things he attempted to forget.</p><p>“Barnes, this is Batroc, the photographer here to take the pictures of the—” Coulson trailed off as he and the photographer approached “What the hell happened to you?” An appalled look filling his normally controlled face.</p><p>“A little present from Parker, he and some of the others seem to have eaten something that didn’t agree with their delicate systems.”</p><p>“Damnit. Just as Mr. Batroc made it here to take a picture too.” He grimaced and turned to the aforementioned man “Well, it may not be as easy a process as I thought. Especially since we still haven’t seen Barton”</p><p>“Clint still isn’t back?” Bucky hadn’t known that.</p><p>“Yeah, he should have been back earlier today, but if the boys are down, he’s probably laid flat unable to ride.”</p><p>“Damn.”</p><p>“Well you’d better clean yourself up Barnes, no sense forcing us to smell you while we come up with a plan. If you’ll follow me Mr. Batroc, I’ll take you to my office.”</p><p>“Actually, I would like to accompany—” he paused to look at Bucky, his eyes sweeping up and down as though he were running a diagnostic, before continuing “Mr. Barnes to wash up if you don’t mind. The journey from Topeka was long and rather unpleasant.”</p><p>“Of course,” Coulson said curtly “Barnes, when you get back bring him straight to my office and be quick about it, there’s a storm coming and it’s going to be a nasty one.”</p><p>“Yes sir.” grumbled Bucky, none too pleased about being forced to share his sacred alone time with this stranger, even if he was curious to know what he looked like under that suit. “If you’ll just follow me.” And with that, the two men strode off towards the nearest water source to freshen up.</p><p>---</p><p>The water was chilly, but not unreasonably unpleasant as Bucky waded in, not bothering to remove his clothes, given their vomit-stained state. He took a moment to enjoy the stillness of the world. He knew he should check on Batroc, but he wanted to give himself this time to appreciate some rare quiet.</p><p>Just as he was preparing himself to turn around and say something nice to the photographer, he felt a hand run down his back, causing Bucky to shiver. Then there was a breath on his neck, soft and warm, sending another tremor down his body. <em>It’s been so long since someone—</em> Bucky’s thought process was cut off as the photographer’s hands wrapped around his hips, pulling him in closer until they were pressed into one another. He then grabbed the base of Bucky’s neck between his teeth and sucked, hard. This sensation was too much for Bucky and he moaned sinking into the incredible sensation he never thought he would feel again. Batroc chuckled before leaning in close and whispering in Bucky’s ear</p><p>“Rumlow was right, you are absolutely delightful.”</p><p>Suddenly the world stood still all the color and movement Bucky had been enjoying crashed about his feet as he froze in fear. <em>Brock.</em></p><p>“What do you mean?” He managed to choke out.</p><p>“He told me what fun you were. He’s been looking for you. Asked me to keep an eye out. I couldn’t believe my luck when I just happened to run across you on an assignment that would otherwise have been a complete waste of time. Of course, I knew I’d need to have some fun with you first.” The world was losing its stillness. Instead it was swirling violently, and dark spots were beginning to cloud Bucky’s vision and all his thoughts competed for attention. <em>Brock, looking for you, delightful, have some fun, Brock</em>. Bucky felt his panic mount as Batroc reached around the Bucky’s hips and took firm hold of him. “C’mon, let’s see how good you really are.” Bucky tried to pull free, but Batroc only laughed and squeezed backside. “I’ll make you forget all about him.” The world became still again. <em>This can’t happen</em>. Bucky turned slowly, careful not betray the energy building inside him, coming face to face with the now completely odious photographer and his alarming, lecherous smile.</p><p>Bucky smiled gently, looking at the man through his lashes in what he hoped was a coy and alluring way and, swiftly as he could, hooked him square in the jaw. Bartoc let out a loud sound of shock and tumbled backwards, submerging completely in the river. Bucky charged out of the water as fast as his legs would carry him. He paused just long enough to kick Batroc’s clothes into the river, hoping to buy himself some time, and then was off, sprinting for the bunks.</p><p><em>What am I going to do? </em>Bucky’s mind was racing, he couldn’t stay. Even if there was a faint chance Bartoc wouldn’t tell Brock that he’d found Bucky, he would most certainly tell Coulson that Bucky had punched him and abandoned him to the mercy of the river and nature with a violent storm brewing. <em>There’s nothing else I can do. I have to run</em>. Bucky arrived at the bunk and breathed a momentary sigh a of relief, trying to compose himself before slipping inside.</p><p>Bucky had been afraid of betraying himself to the boys in the bunk, but it appeared all of them were sleeping, their bodies exhausted from attempting to fight off their illness. He hurried to his bed grabbed the bag out from under it and shoved his meager possessions inside. He stood quickly, planning to head straight to the door, but was stopped by the sight of Peter sitting up, staring quizzically at him, his forgotten cup frozen halfway to his mouth.</p><p>“Mr. Barnes, what are you doing?”</p><p>“Nothing kid, go back to sleep.”</p><p>“You told me to drink lots of water, so that’s what I’m doing.” However, the cup remained frozen in place. “Are you going somewhere?”</p><p>“Why would I do something like that? You’re obviously sick and confused. You know Barton would never let me leave without saying goodbye.” He searched his brain frantically for a believable lie and blurted out the first one that he found. “I’m just grabbing some things to sleep in the stable tonight. I don’t want to be kept up all night listening to you boys lose your stomachs every five minutes.”</p><p>“But why are you taking that bag?” <em>Damn it</em>, Bucky thought, the boy was smarter than he’d given him credit for.</p><p>“Well I need a pillow and I don’t want to get straw all over my real one. Now stop pressing me with questions and go back to sleep.” At last, after what seemed like an eternity to Bucky, Peter set the cup back on the rickety bedside table and laid down. Bucky headed for the door quickly but trying to avoid rousing anymore riders. <em>I have to get moving fast, Batroc could be back here any minute</em>. Bucky’s mind raced as he tried to devise a plan. <em>If only my mind worked like Clint’s</em>. Since meeting him Bucky had privately felt that Clint Barton might be one of the smartest men he had ever met, not that he would ever tell him that. <em>Clint</em>, Bucky thought again, something was nagging at his brain.</p><p>“Clint’s not back yet!” In his flash of insight, he actually spoke the words aloud. He then whipped his head around to ensure no one had seen or heard him before racing to the stables. <em>If he’s not back yet, then the horse waiting to take the return mail will still be there prepped and ready to go</em>. He opened the stable door and slipped inside. Sure enough, there was a dapple-gray mare saddled up and, Bucky saw to his amusement, annoyed from being made to wait.</p><p>He hurriedly unbolted her stall and grabbed her reins, attempting to gain her trust while also taking as little time as possible. Bucky may have been too big to be a rider on the Express, but he was no stranger to horses, and he knew that she needed to trust him for this to work. As Bucky coaxed her out of her stall, she stared at him and flicked her tail with annoyance but acquiesced to his guiding as he patted her neck. “C’mon beautiful, we’ve got to get out of here.”</p><p>The mare began to move a little faster and Bucky pushed open the stable doors to let her through before quickly shutting them, wanting to keep everything looking as normal as possible to delay anyone who might try to follow him. He quickly hopped on the mare’s back with a practiced ease, still dripping wet from his interrupted bath that now seemed like a lifetime ago.</p><p>“Let’s go girl.” Bucky patted the mare’s neck one last time before lightly pressing into her barrel and snapping her reins, gently, but firmly, and riding off into the night, just as the sky was lit by a bright flash and a huge clap of thunder rolled across the plains. <em>There’s no turning back now.</em></p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I always used to complain about stories that take multiple chapters to introduce the other main character, especially in fanfiction where all I want is for my ship to make out and be happy. Turns out I am now part of the problem. That should change soon, I promise our resident star spangled settler will be making an appearance soon. If you have feelings that need to be expressed feel free to reach out on Tumblr where I am @Twoamusements. Thanks for reading!</p><p>-TA</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Bucky comes to after his daring (and dumb) escape from the Pony Express.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em>Who keeps shaking my bed?</em> Bucky thought grumpily as he felt a jostling near the foot of the bed. Bucky curled up into a ball under the warm, soft blanket. <em>Please go away and let me </em>sleep. As he lay there, Bucky slowly came to three realizations. The first being his last memory was riding a horse in a storm. The second being that he was, in fact, the one shaking the bed. The third realization was that he had no idea where he was.</p><p>Bucky’s eyes snapped open. He was indeed on a large comfortable bed, the straw mattress gently cushioning him as he took in the scene around him. It was a small bedroom and based on the raw branches he saw bracing the ceiling, Bucky guessed he was in a sod house, but where? <em>At least I’m not back at the station anymore. I’m going to have to hide better next time. </em>With this thought spurring him on, Bucky sat up, preparing to throw the blankets back when a voice called out to him.</p><p>“I wouldn’t get up just yet if I were you.” Bucky’s had whipped around and saw a large figure in the doorway.</p><p>“Well, well, well, look who finally woke up. I was beginning to wonder if you ever would.” With this pronouncement, the figure moved into the room, illuminated by the light filtering in through the small window. Bucky felt as though the breath had been sucked out of him. Standing before him was the most beautiful man he had ever seen in his twenty-five years. He was tall, with broad, powerful shoulders that tapered to a narrow waist, and his blonde hair was disheveled in a way that suggested some effort had been made to unsuccessfully tame it, but it was his eyes that grabbed Bucky’s attention the most. They were light and clear, like the waves of the ocean, sparkling with mischief and power, and Bucky found himself getting lost in their depths. After a moment the man coughed and looked down at his hands. <em>Was his complexion that red when he came in?</em> Bucky wondered.</p><p>“I’m Steve Rogers. Welcome to my home.” The man said suddenly raising his head to again look at Bucky with his intense aquatic gaze “such as it is.” Adding the last part on with a chuckle. The man looked at Bucky expectantly, but his voice seemed to have abandoned him. A wrinkle of concern appeared on the blonde man’s forehead, somehow making him even more beautiful.</p><p>“Bucky!” He finally managed to blurt out. The man’s wrinkle depended.</p><p>“I’m sorry?”</p><p>“Bucky, my name is Bucky.” The wrinkle disappeared and for a moment Bucky felt a pang of disappointment, but in its place came a blistering smile and he suddenly found his heart had melted into a puddle at his feet.</p><p>“That’s an interesting name.”</p><p>“It’s a nickname” Bucky replied, “James Buchanan Barnes at your service.”  The wrinkle returned, just ever so slightly.</p><p>“What an unexpected pleasure to meet you Mr. President.” Bucky cursed silently. It had been a mistake to take the president’s name as his own, but it was the only name he could think when Clint had begun to press him for a name and he’d simply gotten used to it being his name.</p><p>“Yeah, it’s one hell of a coincidence.” He said laughing in a way he prayed seemed natural.</p><p>“I guess it is.” The wrinkle relaxed and the smile returned as he laughed. “I bet you’re starving; would you like something to eat?” He hadn’t noticed until Steve pointed it out, but he was ravenous.</p><p>“Please.” Bucky said, pulling back the blanket to rise and go wherever he need to in order to be fed. It was at that precise moment that Bucky realized he was completely naked. Fortunately, Steve’s reflexes were quicker than his and he was already on his feet gently pushing Bucky back into bed.</p><p>“You wait here, I’ll bring the food to you. You need to rest.” With that somewhat dogmatic pronouncement, Steve departed for another room and Bucky was left to contemplate his encounter with this strange and beautiful man in silence.</p><p>The silence did not last long before the man returned with a wooden bowl filled with fish, eggs, and a generous piece of bread.</p><p>“Eat up.” Bucky did not need to be told twice as he inhaled the food murmuring his thanks. While he ate Steve sat in small chair near the bed and eyed him carefully, as though he was perusing a particularly interesting book. It didn’t take long before the bowl was empty, and Bucky let out a contented sigh.</p><p>“Feeling better?”</p><p>“Much.”</p><p>“Would you like more?”</p><p>“No thank you” Bucky did want more, but he had been raised better than to accept such an offer. “If you wouldn’t mind bringing me my clothes, I think it’s time I got on my way.”</p><p>“No” Bucky looked at the man incredulously.</p><p>“No?”</p><p>“No. I don’t think I will.”</p><p>“What do you mean you ‘don’t think’ you will?” Bucky felt his chest tightening as his temper started to flare. “Are you going to keep me hostage, naked in your house forever?” Steve made a sound and to Bucky’s horror, the golden-haired man began to laugh.</p><p>“I’ll tell you what. I will give you back your clothes if you can tell me where we are.” Bucky opened his mouth, then closed it, then opened it again, then closed it again, and finally looked down at the bowl in his hands. “Do you even know which territory we’re in?” Bucky’s eyes stayed down at the bowl, which he was discovering was exceptionally well made. He felt Steve shift in his chair and was surprised to feel the mattress depress from Steve joining him on the bed.</p><p>“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you, but your horse showed up two days ago in a hell of a lather and you haven’t woken up once since then. That poor mare will need at least another three days to recover and honestly so will you.” Bucky felt his anger dissipate as quickly as it had come. In its place was a feeling of shame and… <em>no, I won’t let that happen again</em>. Bucky had let his anger get the best of him.</p><p>“If I’m going to stay here at least let me help out. I’d feel terribly if you did all this for me without me paying you back.”</p><p>“I’m sure we can work something out, but right now you really need to get some more rest.”</p><p>“Alright, I hear you. I’ll stay in bed.” Bucky grumbled, forcing his eyes up to the other man’s in an effort to make his words seem more truthful. This was a mistake. Steve suddenly flashed a smile that made Bucky feel a burst of heat at his throat that traveled down his torso. A heat that Bucky found himself insisting it came from the lie and not from the glistening of the blonde man’s teeth.</p><p>“Good” Steve said as he stood. “I’ve got some fence to fix and a horse that needs to be taken care of since someone decided to ride her through an insane storm.” Casting a smart-eyed, but not unkind stare at Bucky. “You rest and I’ll bring you dinner when I finish up.” With that the strange man winked a sparkling blue eye at Bucky and walked out of the room.</p><p><em>About damn time!</em> Bucky exclaimed to himself shaking his head in an attempt to clear the fog of Steve’s presence from his mind. It didn’t work. He tried again only for the same result. <em>I have to get moving. I’m too close.</em> With these thoughts filling his head Bucky threw back the blanket and stood up. <em>I’ll have to steal some clothes if Steve’s hidden mine.</em> Bucky took his first step, which felt oddly heavy. On his second step the world turned upside down and he fell to the ground or maybe to a wall, because Bucky was convinced they had somehow switched places.</p><p>Finally, as he lay naked on floor of the unfamiliar room, Bucky came to a new conclusion. The fog in his head wasn’t a result of Steve, his bright smile, or his unfairly blue eyes. <em>I’m sick.</em> <em>Steve had said something about that</em>. Bucky curled tighter into himself as he realized the floor was quite comfortable. The fog became thicker in his head as Bucky drifted off to sleep where he dreamed of escaping and most definitely not of bright blue eyes.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This chapter is a little shorter than the others and not a whole lot happens, but hey Steve finally showed up, so I'm still going to chalk it up as a win. This chapter took me forever to write for some reason, but I think it turned out pretty well. As always I'd love to hear what you're thinking either here or on Tumblr (@twoamusments). Thanks for reading and I'll see you next week. Also, in this craziness happening in the world right now, it's a good time to remember that we would still be repressing our queer identities if it weren't for some truly incredible LGBTQ+ people of color, so if you have the time and the money please take a moment to support Black Lives Matter and the campaign to demilitarize the police. I have links for days if you feel overwhelmed and don't know where to look.</p><p>-TA</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter Four</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Bucky learns more about life at Steve's and the two share a moment, or two.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi, I'm the worst. I know I didn't update last week and this one is coming in at the last minute, but this chapter is almost three thousand words, so hopefully that helps make up for it. In my defense, when I was looking for the document that had my notes for the story I discovered that my computer had lost all of the chapter breakdown (do not trust autosave my friends, it gets you every time). Mild warning for animal health issues and emergency medical things, I did my best to keep it from getting overly graphic. Also I have proofread this at all, so I'm terribly sorry for any typos, I wanted to get this up for you all and I promise to fix them later. Anyway, I hope you enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It took three days for Bucky’s fever to break. It took him another four to feel like his old self again. Although Bucky was loathed to admit it, it normally would have taken even longer to recover, but every time he attempted to rise from his bed there was a two-hundred-and-twenty pound force of nature telling him to lay back down. Steve, as he had learned, was an incredibly stubborn man and while he played the role of concerned nursemaid underneath that gentle veneer was a core of solid iron that Cornelius Vanderbilt himself would have envied.</p><p>Only once since Bucky’s initial escape plan had he defied his newfound (and entirely self-appointed) keeper’s orders. It had been on his fifth day there and Bucky, feeling antsy from so many days in bed, decided to attempt to stroll around the house, dressed in nothing but an oversized night shirt that was several sizes too large. Bucky knew he was in trouble when he saw Steve come barreling out of the house looking as though he had seen the ghost of Napoleon Bonaparte himself. When Steve caught up to Bucky he had taken him by the arm and frog-marched the shorter man back into the house and deposited him back in his bed with a look that Bucky had not received since the time his schoolmaster had caught him sneaking candy during a lesson.</p><p>On the morning of the seventh day, Bucky awoke with a start, something he often did as he dreams were frequently filled with running, secrecy, and the too-familiar form of Brock. Thus he began his morning with his regular routine of reminding himself that Brock was not there and that he could breathe easily for at least one more day.</p><p>“You always have that look on your face.” Steve said, Bucky actively did not notice the way the sun was catching the other’s man annoyingly golden hair as he shifted to face him.</p><p>“What look?”</p><p>“The one that says, ‘merciful lord please use your divine grace to remove all who stand before me.’” <em>How is he always so damn cheerful?</em> Bucky thought sourly. “How are you feeling today?”</p><p>“Better. Substantially better actually. I might even feel good enough to be allowed out of bed today.”</p><p>“I figured that ‘smite him oh lord’ look was meant for me.” Steve chuckled. Bucky felt frustration and resentment rise bubbling inside him. “I’m heading out to the barn after breakfast to check on your horse it’s only fair that you come with me, I suppose.” Just as quickly as the fury bubbled up, Bucky felt his anger stream away.</p><p>“Thank heavens” he declared throwing back his covers and jumping to his feet. “If I had to spend one more day in that bed, I would have gone completely loony.” Steve had the decency to look ashamed, lowering his eyes and scuffing an enormous boot on the floor.</p><p>“I’m sorry, I’ve probably been far too demanding. Everyone always says I take care of people by bullying them into submission. You are a grown human being and deserve more respect.” Bucky’s posture straightened as he enjoyed a sweeping feeling of vindication “I wouldn’t have been so stringent if you hadn’t looked so exhausted and destitute when your horse showed up.” Now it was Bucky’s turn to feel the sting of shame and shuffle at the ground with his foot. Steve had, after all, fed him, clothed him, and brought him back to health without a single ask in return. Unsure of how to proceed he coughed and spoke, in what he hoped was a nonchalant voice.</p><p>“I really do appreciate… you know… everything you’ve done.” Steve looked up, blue eyes glinting annoyingly in the light.</p><p>“Yeah well… anyone would have…” As the two men stared at each other, blue into gray, Bucky felt the room fill with an energy that was at once brand new and completely familiar. Finally, after what felt like hours, Steve coughed and looked away.</p><p>“Breakfast?” he asked</p><p>“Please” Bucky replied, trying to will the flush he felt to die down, while simultaneously hoping Steve would assume it was a remnant from his recent fever.</p><p>Breakfast passed in an amiable silence, every few minutes Bucky would steal a glance at this strange man who seemed to have developed an unusual fascination with his hands, staring at them with a borderline religious concentration. When they finished Steve rose quickly and looked at Bucky. “You want to go see your horse?” Bucky nodded and together they exited the sod house and traveled across the farmyard to another sod building, this one containing Steve’s horse, a baby cow, and, for now, Bucky’s “borrowed” gray mare.</p><p>“That horse is going to take at least another week before you can ride her again. That storm did a number on her. Which is a pity because she really is a beautiful creature.” Steve said as Bucky reached his hand out to the mare’s muzzle. “What’s her name?” Bucky froze and quickly as he could spouted out the first thing that came to mind.</p><p>“Winter! Her name is Winter.”</p><p>“Well Winter it’s nice to finally meet you.” Steve said as he also reached out and patted the newly christened horse “She’s quite the solider, isn’t she? How on Earth did you train her so well? I’m lucky if I can get within in ten feet of Star somedays.” He said gesturing to the large black horse standing on the other side of the pen.</p><p>“Can you honestly blame her? She must panic at the thought of having someone so massive hop on her back.” Bucky said, allowing a hint of smirk to creep in. Despite his best efforts, Steve seemed to break through all of his carefully constructed frosty barriers.</p><p>Much to his surprise Steve turned red and cast his eyes downward as he mumbled “She was the biggest horse I could find, I thought it would be fine.” To Steve’s credit, the mare was a giant, easily taller and broader than Winter. Suddenly a thought struck Bucky, one that clearly should have struck him sooner. <em>I have absolutely no idea where we are</em>.</p><p>“Are there many horses around here?” Again, taking a stab at nonchalance, but arriving somewhere in the squawking bird category. Fortunately, Steve had become preoccupied in attending the horses, so he didn’t seem to notice.</p><p>“I reckon there are more horses than people, but that’s not much of a record to break.” He said, not looking up from his work “The nearest town is about half a day’s ride away and calling it a town is probably too generous, but there are a couple stores, general store, barbershop, and the like. Just enough to keep it from being too inconvenient to live out here.” <em>Isolation is good. </em>Bucky thought. <em>Maybe I won’t need to go too far right away, I’m so tired of running.</em> Lost in this train of thought, he almost missed Steve’s next sentence. “Yeah, Wyoming is a great place to disappear from the rest of the world.” Wyoming. Bucky finally knew where he was, sort of. Unfortunately, there was something Steve said that left Bucky cold.</p><p>“Who said I was trying to disappear?” Steve straightened to look at Bucky with a strange, strained expression on his face.</p><p>“People don’t come out this far for a fun vacation.” As quickly as it appeared, Steve’s expression cleared off his face. “C’mon Bucky, I’ve got to check on Nellie, she’s due any day now.” Deny it as he might, Bucky could not help himself from feeling a sinking sadness at the sound of Steve mentioning his pregnant wife. <em>It’s not as if I run into someone like me every day. Besides letting my guard down there is what got me here in the first place. </em>Bucky continued this self-effacing train of thought as he followed Steve out into the field. Despite his best efforts he couldn’t help but notice Steve’s shoulders. <em>No human alive should have shoulders that wide. I wonder what it would feel like to have my feet raised up on them while he… </em>Bucky very actively had to change his thought to something else as he felt his face burn with embarrassment and a tinge of something else. Bucky was so lost in his spiraling shame that he failed to notice Steve come to a stop, leading to an abrupt collision.</p><p>“Oof!” Much to Bucky’s surprise Steve was every bit as solid as he appeared, walking into Steve’s back caused him to ricochet off of him and tumble backwards into the dirt.</p><p>“Are you okay Buck?” Steve said chuckling brightly and extending a hand to his disheveled houseguest. Hearing Steve shorten his name caused his breath to hitch in his chest, again. Bucky was beginning to despise the effect this strange, chipper man was consistently having on him, having hoped that most of his dizziness came from the fever, rather than his helper. “Bucky?”</p><p>Steve’s face morphing into concern as Bucky had yet to take his hand.</p><p>“Yeah, sorry about that Steve. Guess I wasn’t paying attention.” He said as he took his hand and Steve help pull him onto his feet noticing with annoyance that Steve’s hands were warm and strong.</p><p>“I noticed” Steve said laughing again “I figured you were just floored by Nellie’s beauty.” Bucky whipped his head around looking for a woman and found himself confronted by an exceptionally large brown and white dairy cow. “Buck meet Nellie, Nellie this is Buck.” The cow blinked disinterestedly and relief flooded through him like he had never felt before. Steve began to laugh, yet again. “You should see your face. Have you never seen a cow before?”</p><p>“I just— I just—” Bucky said desperately searching for something to say. Steve stepped closer, smiling down at him.</p><p>“You just weren’t paying attention, right?” he could feel the heat coming off of Steve’s body as he stared into his eyes.</p><p>“Something like that.” Bucky could feel himself leaning in, lost in the feeling in his chest and the blue of Steve’s eyes. They were inches apart now, Steve’s lips had parted, Bucky’s pulse quickened, and he felt the heat pooling at the base of his throat. A long, loud bellow caused them both to jump apart, as if the sound had scalded them. Bucky felt the heat shift from his throat to his cheeks and they burned with embarrassment. Steve coughed awkwardly and stared at his shoes.</p><p>“Sorry about Nellie, like I said she’s due pretty soon and she’s pretty cranky.” Steve said in an airy, forced tone.</p><p>“I don’t blame her, carrying a child sounds positively exhausting.” Bucky replied in the same breathy tone.</p><p>Nellie, it transpired, was extremely close to giving birth. Three days later, to be specific. Those three days passed quietly, with Bucky and Steve keeping as much distance between the two of them as possible. Bucky was completely unsure of how to approach talking to Steve after their strange encounter. He was ashamed of how easily he had been drawn into the tall blonde’s energy, particularly when he considered how he had ended up in his current predicament to begin with. Steve, in turn, had not kicked Bucky out or asked him to leave. <em>Or worse</em> Bucky thought dryly, but he had yet to make eye contact with him again. That all changed on the night of the third day of their silent stalemate. Bucky was out for a walk trying to clear his head and make a plan. He had four more days before Winter would be ready to go and he needed to be gone at the first possible moment.</p><p>It was on that quiet moonlit night that he heard the thunderous call of an animal in pain and a voice, Steve’s, letting out a stream of language the likes of which not even Clint, the Express’ champion swearer, had the acumen for. Bucky ran towards the noise and found himself in Nellie’s pen where he found Steve crouched over her as she bellowed and brayed up a storm.</p><p>“Steve, what’s happening?” Bucky yelled over the cacophony of cow as he vaulted over the fence.</p><p>“She’s having a difficult birth and I don’t have enough hands to keep up.” Steve shouted back. When he turned to look at him Bucky saw the man’s eyes were filled with tears. “Please Buck, I need help.”</p><p>Bucky ran to the prostrate cow and felt his stomach before an acrobatic routine as bile filled his throat. He had never seen anything, human or otherwise, give birth before and he was quite sure that he never wanted to again.</p><p>“What can I do?”</p><p>Help me get the calf out.”</p><p>“I’m sorry what?” Bucky shouted back, feeling the bile rise again and hoping against hope that he’d misheard Steve over the sounds of Nellie’s pain.</p><p>“It’s stuck, the calf is a big one and we’ve got to help her.” Bucky swallowed hard, looked at Steve’s terrified face, and exhaled a determined breath.</p><p>“Alright, just tell me what to do.”</p><p>It took the two men another ten minutes to extricate the massive, according to Steve as Bucky had no reference for calf size, baby before they had success. Just as Bucky, covered in fluids, dirt, and a menagerie of other unpleasant things, turned to Steve prepared to celebrate, he saw the rancher reach over to a toolkit and pull out a needle and thread.</p><p>“Steve, what are you doing?” he exclaimed</p><p>“You see all of this?” Steve spoke as he gestured towards the cow’s hindquarter’s “She’s prolapsed, her internal organs aren’t very internal right now.” Bucky swore. “It’s okay, we can fix it, but I’m going to need your help again.” Bucky swore, but leaned in to help Steve with their exceedingly unpleasant task. When they had successfully returned Nellie’s organs to their proper location and Steve had stitched her up with surprising swiftness and skill, the two men collapsed onto the ground.</p><p>“We did it Sammy!” Steve said as he lay panting, Bucky turned to look at Steve, eyebrows raised in confusion.</p><p>“Sammy? Whose Sammy?” Steve’s postured stiffened and even in the dim light Bucky could see that his face had gone hard with a coldness that filled Bucky’s heart with dread. <em>Steve should never look like that</em>, he thought, <em>he looks as though he’s been carved out of stone. </em>Something about his frozen expression caused real terror for Bucky, although why he could not say.</p><p>As quickly as it came, it was gone and Steve had on a bright smile, even if it failed to reach his empty eyes.</p><p>“Oh, he’s just someone from my past. We used to get into shenanigans like this all the time. I guess having help reminded me of him.” As he spoke, Steve stretched and yawned “I’m exhausted and Nellie’s feeding her calf so we should get some rest while we can. I’ll come back out and make sure her stitches are holding in the morning. It’s only a few hours away now anyway.” He rose and turned to help Bucky, but as he stretched out his hand Steve’s laughed exploded into the air around them.</p><p>“What?” cried Bucky as he took his hand and hoisted himself up.</p><p>“You’re so covered in dirt and heaven only knows what else that with your grumpy expression you look like a disgruntled forest spirit hear to take revenge upon those trespassing in your domain.” he said in between spurts of mirth.</p><p>“Oh yeah?” declared Bucky, feeling playfully spitefully even through his fatigue “Well at least I don’t look like you. You looked truly appalling even before you were covered in all of that, once you pile it on top you might as well be some creature from the monster from <em>Frankenstein</em>.”</p><p>“Really?” Steve’s eyes, alive again, twinkled dangerously in the light as his body compressed in on itself ever so slightly. Bucky didn’t see it coming until it was too late. The other man had launched himself onto Bucky covering him in even more filth and cow than he had been before. Bucky shoved back and the two rolled around in the dirt laughing and swearing like children.</p><p>Eventually the two fell back unable to fight any longer, utterly devoid of energy.</p><p>“Come on Buck, we’ve got to get cleaned up before we go back inside and get some rest.” Steve offered his hand for the second time as he spoke. Bucky took it gratefully and the two walked to the water pump. Steve had gone first, at Bucky’s insistence, relenting only when he had pointed out that the sooner he was asleep, the sooner he would be able to check on Nellie. As Bucky stood there, naked and cold splashing himself with water as best he could, a thought struck him.</p><p>Perhaps the next four days wouldn’t be so awful after all.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Well a lot happened there. In case you were wondering (you probably weren't, but still), I have not had to help a prolapsed cow, but it did happen to my cousin when we were twelve and she explained it to me in agonizing detail, much to my youthful chagrin. Thanks for sticking around with me on this journey. Again, I love to hear all your thoughts and feelings which you can share with me here or on tumblr (@twoamusements). Happy pride everyone and remember that black lives matter!<br/>-TA</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter Five</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Bucky and Steve spend more time on the ranch as they get to know each other better.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chapter Five</p><p>As it turned out, stitching a cow’s birth canal back together at four o’clock in the morning was a terrific ice breaker between Bucky and Steve. The next morning the two men were full of laughter and smiles, telling jokes their mothers would have been ashamed of and tending to Steve’s herd. Bucky, it transpired, was much better with animals than he was with most people and found himself enjoying the work immensely. Which, of course, had nothing to do with the company he kept while he did it. So the time passed amiably filled with joy and the occasional furtive glance. They still had not spoken of their charged encounter and Bucky suspected they never would, but as long as they were not trapped in an uncomfortable silence, he was willing to forget all about it. At least, that’s what he told himself.</p><p>Two days before Winter would be recovered and ready journey on, Steve was feeding the calf kept in the horse shed, while Bucky brushed out Winter appreciating the warm glow and cool breeze of the evening. Try as he might to focus on his mare’s coat, Bucky could not prevent his gaze from drifting back to Steve and how gentle he was with the silly, brown-eyed creature. They worked in amiable silence, a stark contrast to the oppressive one they had been experiencing, until suddenly Steve spoke.</p><p>“What time would you like to into town tomorrow?” The question caught Bucky completely by surprise.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Into town? The nearest place for you to stock up is several days journey in any direction, so if you’re wanting to survive, we’ll need to get you some things.”</p><p>“Oh” said Bucky softly, having not thought that far ahead. “I guess we should.” <em>The trouble is, I don’t have much money and I have to spend it wisely. Who knows what my next situation could look like.</em> Perhaps reading something in his face, Steve smiled and turned back to his calf.</p><p>“I’ve been meaning to ask; how much do I owe you?” If the previous question had caught Bucky by surprise than this one knocked him clean to tomorrow.</p><p>“How much… you owe me?” he replied with a bewildered tone’</p><p>“Yeah, I don’t have much money, but I do have goods and a few favors owed in town, so if you’re willing to take your payment in supplies I’d be grateful.” Bucky stared, mind whirling. He felt as though his fever must have returned for him to be hallucinating so vividly.</p><p>“Steve, I think you might need to take a rest. You don’t owe me any money, if anything I owe you for allowing me to stay here and taking care of me.” <em>Not that I can afford to pay you much</em>, but Bucky supposed it was the thought that counted.</p><p>“Nah, anything to do with illness is free, that’s what my ma taught me.” When Steve spoke of his mother a trace of Gaelic accent slipped out, but only for a moment. “Besides, since you woke up, you’ve been a damn sight more useful than any farm hand I could have hired.” Bucky frowned. Steve simply gathered up his supplies and slowly made his way over to where Bucky and Winter were, smiling all the way. A fact which annoyed Bucky greatly, pride, tinged with another emotion began to heat his core.</p><p>“Steven” he spoke with as much authority as he could muster “I will not accept your charity.” That much was true. Bucky could be called many things, but he would never allow himself to be a burden, financial or otherwise, to those around him. Looking frustratingly nonplussed by Bucky’s attempt at grandiose power, Steve simply stepped closer and planted his hand on the shorter man’s arm. Bucky felt a jolt of electricity from the spot.</p><p>“Buck” Steve said softly “It’s the furthest thing from charity. You’ve done work for me; it would be extremely remiss of me not to compensate you for that work. Illegal in fact, at least I’m fairly certain it is. If not, then it’s certainly amoral.” Although his words were soft, Bucky saw a flicker of that hard, cold expression he’d seen the night of Nellie’s delivery, but just as before the expression vanished as quickly as it came. “C’mon Buck, don’t fight me on this, you know I’ll win.”</p><p>Bucky heaved a sigh, loathe as he was to admit it, Steve was right. He would win, something about him made Bucky incapable of saying no. Even if the majority of his body wanted to refuse the blonde man something, his mouth always found a way to betray him.</p><p>“Fine, but only because you asked so nicely.” Steve brightened and Bucky felt his traitorous heart bounce at the sight.</p><p>“Great!” Steve exclaimed “It takes about half a day to get there, so we’ll need to get an early start tomorrow.” Bucky groaned, Steve already awoke prohibitively early and the prospect of rising even earlier horrified Bucky. “Since we’ll be transporting so much, we’ll go ahead and take the wagon, Star can pull it and that’ll give Winter more time to rest.”</p><p>“Alright, fine, just leave me alone so I can finish up and go to bed.” Bucky said, good-naturedly shoving Steve as he went back to brushing Winter.</p><p>“Well fine then, at least I know Bea loves me.” Steve said glittering grin still firmly in place, referring to the calf. The comment reminded Bucky of a question he’d been wanting to ask for the last few days.</p><p>“When will you take Nellie’s calf from her?”</p><p>“Never, if I can avoid it.” Steve said, “That old girl would have my head if I tried.”</p><p>“Then why did you take Bea away from her mother?” Bucky questioned</p><p>“Oh” Steve replied, understanding dawning across his face “Bea is a special case. Her mother was a heifer, meaning she’d never calved before. Sometimes heifers can be real nasty to their calves. When Bea was born, her mama decided she wasn’t interested and would have let her starve if I hadn’t intervened.” Bucky felt a sudden and overwhelming kinship with the soft brown calf across the sod building. Apparently, his face had betrayed him because Steve’s hand had again found its way onto Bucky’s arm. “You’ve gone all inscrutable Bucky. It’s nothing to get too worked up about. It happens all the time, it just means I have to give them a little extra love, but they live perfectly happy lives. Nellie was rejected as a calf too and look at her now.”</p><p>Something deep inside of Bucky began to crack, and tears sprang in his eyes. He felt Steve take his hand away, the sudden absence of human contact made him feel cold as well as lonely.</p><p>“Bucky, would you like a hug?” The question, offered with the gentle sincerity that only Steve Rogers could summon caught Bucky so off-guard that he began to laugh, hiccupping slightly from the tears he’d been holding back.</p><p>“Stevie, you are one strange fellow.” He declared, as he hopped out of Winter’s pen and returned the brush to its proper location. Steve let out a bark of laughter in return.</p><p>“That’s true enough I suppose.”</p><p>--</p><p>The two men enjoyed a comfortable dinner and relative silence, punctuated only by the occasional banal comment about the weather or their plans for tomorrow. It wasn’t until their plates were nearly empty that Steve broached the subject.</p><p>“Sooooo” he said, gently elongating the word as if unsure of how to proceed. “What happened between you and your mother?” Bucky set his fork down and ran a hand through his overgrown black hair with a sigh.</p><p>“It’s complicated.”</p><p>“These situations always are.”</p><p>“What gave me away?” Bucky asked, still unsure of whether or not he wanted to recount his sordid tale.</p><p>“Bea” Steve said simply “Most people say ‘oh the poor dear, thank goodness you stepped in,’ but you took it so hard, I knew there had to be something more than sympathy for the cow, no matter how cute she may be.” He tacked the last part on with a soft smile, looking encouragingly at Bucky, who sighed again.</p><p>“My mother was—is a wonderful person.” He began haltingly “I just never quite managed to be the son she wanted.”</p><p>“How so?”</p><p>“Well” he said as he pushed the remnants of his dinner around with his fork, despite feeling entirely disinterested in eating anything more “She came from a family that had something of a reputation where we’re from. There was always a lot of pressure on myself and my sisters to always uphold that reputation, no matter what. I was a rebellious kid, I never liked being told what to do and one day things just went a little too far.” Steve opened his mouth, but Bucky shook his head “Please don’t ask me to say anymore. It wasn’t violent and no one was hurt, but Mother felt I had stained the family honor. I believe her exact words were ‘plague’ and ‘malignant blight.’ Never shy of dramatics that woman.” Bucky said ruefully “The day after she found out was the last time I saw her, she told me I was possessed by the devil and sent forth to ruin all that had made her great. Needless to say, I won’t be going home for Christmas.” He finished wryly with a voice several shades raspier than normal.</p><p>Steve sat back saying nothing, his face a sea of inscrutability. Bucky took a deep breath and clenched his hands a few times, his eyes on the table. “I guess when you told be about Bea being unwanted it struck a little too close to home.” Silence hung in the air between the two of them. Bucky had not planned to reveal such a deeply personal story to Steve, or anyone else for that matter. Not even Clint, his closest friend out west knew this much about him. He sat there, body tense waiting for Steve to push further into what exactly it was that had caused Bucky’s mother to hurl those words at him. Words that Bucky would never forget. It had crushed him to see her standing in parlor, in one of her best dresses, as she denounced his existence. She had thrown a teacup at his head, she’d missed of course, but Bucky could still feel the wind as it rushed by him whenever he stopped to think of that day. When Steve finally spoke, it was in a low voice, almost as raw as Bucky’s own had been.</p><p>“Any woman who denies her child like that does not deserve tears.” Bucky’s eyes rocketed up to meet Steve’s and found eyes full storm clouds. “I may not have known you for very long, but I know that anyone would be lucky to call you their family.” Bucky exhaled contemptuously through his nose. Steve reached out for the third time tonight and grabbed Bucky’s arm. “James Buchanan Barnes, you are an incredible human being and you cannot allow someone to convince you of anything to the contrary.” Bucky remained silent. The energy in the room began to crackle as they stared into each other’s eyes, gray into blue. Soon he could not stand the tension anymore and Bucky averted his gaze, taking several deep breaths.</p><p>“Enough about my sordid past. It’s best left back there anyway. What about your mother Steve?” The question dissipated the storm clouds and brought sunshine back to those disarming blue orbs.</p><p>“She was a truly remarkable person. My father died when she was still pregnant with me back in Ireland. It was during the potato famine and so when everyone began to speak of opportunities in America, Sarah Roffey packed up her possessions and moved to America.”</p><p>“Clearly you come by that damn-near frightening single mindedness naturally then” Bucky said with a laugh.</p><p>“You only think I’m bad because you never met Ma.” Steve replied with wide-eyed honesty, the lilt of his accent beginning to creep into his words as he spoke “She was a cannon of woman if ever there was one. When she arrived in this country, she changed her name from Roffey to Rogers, she wanted to sound more English. Not that it did her a lick of good, her accent was thicker than pitch, but she was determined to give me any opportunity she could.”</p><p>“She sounds wonderful Steve.”</p><p>“Ay” Steve said, Irish brogue still strong, “I do miss her, terror that she was.” The two men laughed as Bucky gathered their plates up.</p><p>“I’ll take care of them tonight Steve.”</p><p>“Alright, I’ll let you, just this once. Remember we’re heading out to town early tomorrow so be ready to go.” Bucky groaned</p><p>“Oh pssh” Steve said playfully swatting at him “You can nap in the wagon on the way there.”</p><p>At that Bucky brightened considerably.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Shockingly I don't have a lot to say today. Fun fact: The phrase "close to home" was first recorded being used in 1860, the year this story takes place, so I'm just shy of anachronism there. Happy pride (Again) and Black Lives Matter (Always). As always, I am an artist in desperate need of validation so kudos and comments are always welcome here and on tumblr. <br/>-TA</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter Six</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Our brave men have a close encounter and then journey into town.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Bucky” The cursed voice called out to him through a haze.</p><p>“Bucky” The man in question curled up into a tight ball, willing the irritating presence would leave him be to enjoy his cocoon of warmth. Suddenly it was much warmer. The heat increasing as the weight of something large pressed down on the bed next to him. “C’mon Buck” the voice chastised gently, bringing him further into the realm of the living.</p><p>“Go away Rogers, you are not welcome in this bed.” Bucky declared ineffectively tugging at his blanket to pull away from the much larger figure pressing down on top of him. He was not at all prepared for Steve’s response. Bucky had expected the man to laugh and perhaps yank his pillow away, instead the blonde man pressed his weight down on top of him. Bucky could feel his mouth come within a hairsbreadth of his ear. The breath sent an electric shock down his spine.</p><p>“Don’t be such a bad boy, Buck.” The dark, taunting tone caused Bucky’s eyes to snap open. Gray met blue and he discovered that Steve’s pupils had blown wide leaving only a thin ring of sapphire exposed around black. Bucky’s heart hammered in his chest as he bit his lip. Steve’s gaze lowered to them as an expression the dark-haired man dared not hope to see. Bucky felt himself leaning in, the energy building between them was palpable, seeming to crackle as they came within inches of each other. As his vision blurred, Steve’s features began to shift, blonde hair turning black and blue eyes turning green. The sense of déjà vu caused Bucky to pull away, faking a cough and desperately searching for something else to look at. Steve jerked as if he’d been stung and stood up, almost immediately Bucky found himself wishing the warm and protective would return, but the moment had passed.</p><p>“We should really be on our way in the next half hour if we want to make it to Shield in a respectable time.” Steve said in a voice that was not his own “Hurry up or I’ll leave without you.” With a hollow laugh the blonde cattleman vanished from the room and Bucky was left laying in bed wishing for sleep all the more.</p><p>--</p><p>It took Bucky about fifteen minutes to be ready to meet Steve out by the wagon. When he looked up at his face, he was afraid of what he would find, remembering there previous days of complete silence. Fortunately, he found Steve smiling and bright as if their strange moment in the bedroom hadn’t happened mere moments earlier. <em>Maybe I imagined it</em> Bucky thought as he hopped up on the right side of the wagon. <em>Steve has been nothing but nice, but that doesn’t mean he’s wrong like me.</em> <em>Wrong like Brock. He’s a good man. I cannot give in again. There aren’t any places left to run as it is.</em></p><p>“Where do you think you’ll go?” The unexpected question pulled Bucky from his spiral of self-hatred.</p><p>“What?” he asked, unable to pull himself back to the present.</p><p>“Where do you plan on going once Winter is ready to ride?” Steve asked, never moving his head, eyes rooted straight ahead.</p><p>“Oh” he said “I’m not sure honestly. I’ve thought about Oregon, I’ve read that its beautiful and its far away from everyone I want to be away from.”</p><p>“Hmm” Steve said as something inscrutable passing across his face. The conversation tapered off after that and the gentle rocking of the wagon slowly lulled Bucky into a state of contentment as he felt his eyelids grow heavy, drifting off exactly as Steve had promised him he could.</p><p>--</p><p>Shield, it turned out, consisted of roughly six buildings all in a row, a far cry from the sprawling cities Bucky had grown up around. Steve pulled up to the largest building, a two-story wooden structure, and tied Star to the post outside.</p><p>“This is the place; the owner is a friend of mine. I think you’ll get along.” Steve said as he gathered up an armful of bags, handing a few off to Bucky as well. As they walked towards the door, Bucky felt his chest tighten. He was shocked to discover how much he wanted Steve’s friend to like him. Perhaps he even felt a twinge of jealousy towards this mysterious man who Steve professed affection for. Bucky pulled the door open allowing Steve, whose arms were substantially fuller than his own.</p><p>“Steven Grant Rogers!” The voice shouted with enough power to rattle the foundation of the building. “It’s about time you came to visit me, мой дорогой.” The voice, it turned out, belonged to a woman. The redhaired woman quickly crossed the floor and embraced Steve, bags and all. Bucky felt his jealousy spike dangerously. <em>Of course there’s a woman in his life.</em> He thought as he felt the bile rise in his throat <em>James Buchanan Barnes you are an idiot of the highest order in addition to being a deviant unfit to live in normal society</em>. Bucky was so caught up in his thoughts that he almost failed to notice Steve and the woman turn towards him.</p><p>“Nat, this is Bucky. He’s been staying with me for the last several days while his horse recovers from a nasty run. Bucky, this is my friend and owner and operator of Shield’s General Store Natasha Rushman.” Natasha stepped forward and proffered her hand in a way that was at once masculine and perfectly feminine.</p><p>“It is a pleasure to meet you, Bucky.” Her speech was crisp and clean but the care she gave each word did not quite disquise the accent. “What is the origin of your name? It’s somewhat уникальный.” she paused evidently searching for a specific word “unique.” The forwardness of her question catching him off guard, no woman he’d met back east would have ever spoken like that.</p><p>“It’s a nickname.” he replied, “My full name is James Barnes.”</p><p>“James” Natasha said, testing the name out “Yes, that is much better. I do not have much patience for these nicknames people like Steven are so fond of.” Bucky stared at her desperately attempting to comprehend her words. He searched for a response but found himself at a complete loss. Steve began to laugh his loud, full laugh.</p><p>“That’s exactly the face I thought you would make.” he gasped in between howls of laughter, leaning on a clear stretch of counter space. Bucky’s face soured into a glare at Steve’s display of mirth and was shocked to discover his face was mirrored in Natasha’s. A fact that caused Steve to laugh even harder.</p><p>Natasha’s glare deepened as she muttered a curse in, what Bucky assumed was, Russian.</p><p>“You make me wait for several months for you to return to Shield and when you do, all you do is laugh at my expense. If you continue to be rude, I will force you to vacate my store.” Although she was roughly half his size, Bucky had no doubt this mysterious woman would be completely capable of removing him if she so chose and found himself saying so before he could stop himself. Now it was Natasha’s turn to laugh.</p><p>“I like him, Steven. Much more than you, at the present moment.” As she spoke she reached out to Bucky, “I will take those James, I need to determine if he has brought enough to merit this disgusting display of juvenile behavior.” she spoke with venom, but there was a glint of humor in her eyes as she grabbed aforementioned bags and crossed to her counter.</p><p>As Natasha surveyed the goods Steve finally regained his composure.</p><p>“What do you think Nat? Am I forgiven?” he asked coming up to brush against Bucky’s side.</p><p>“Narrowly” she replied with a chuckle weighing seeds Bucky did not recognize. “Figure out what you need, and we will see if we can work out a deal.”</p><p>“Whatever happened with that guy who came through here the last time I was in?” Steve asked as he began perusing the merchandise around the store.</p><p>“You mean that Stark fellow?” Natasha asked. Bucky’s head whipped up, heart pounding.</p><p>“Tony Stark?” he asked, trying to remain calm “What was he doing out here?”</p><p>“Oh, he came out here a few months ago making noise about building a railroad across the continent.” Steve said, “I doubt it will go anywhere, people have been proposing that since Polk, but we still haven’t seen one.”</p><p>The conversation drifted away from the railroad and towards Steve’s farm, but Bucky, yet again, found himself distracted remembering days long gone.</p><p>It didn’t take Steve long to find everything he wanted and he and Natasha playfully bartered quantities and the worth of Steve’s goods, though these were quickly sorted as well.</p><p>“Fine Steven, you can get the extra bag of sugar, but I will not help you load any of it into your wagon.” Natasha declared, throwing her hands up and barely repressing her good humor “You impossible demon of man, take your spoils and be gone from my sight.”</p><p>“You drive a hard bargain Rushman, but you’ve got yourself a deal.” They shook hands and Bucky came forward to help Steve carry their new bags out to the wagon, only to be stopped by Natasha’s hand on his arm.</p><p>“Oh no James, this is all up to Steven. We made a deal and neither you nor I will help him load the goods.” The three all laughed, and the blonde man hoisted several bags up on his shoulders, which Bucky could not help but admire for their breadth and power. The moment Steve had passed through the door Natasha had her hand on Bucky’s arm again.</p><p>“James, I know we are were only recently acquainted, but I must say thank you.”</p><p>“For what?” Bucky replied feeling nonplussed by the sudden shift in tone.</p><p>“As long as I have known him, Steven has been reserved.” she paused considering her words, “When he came out to Wyoming, he was running from a painful past. Something I believe you are also doing. Please” she said, noticing Bucky’s body tensing at her words “I do not say any of this to condemn you. Almost everyone in this territory is running from something. I simply meant to say thank you, you are the first person who has made him laugh truly and deeply since Sam.” Bucky was speechless. Natasha had been so cold and clever for his entire interaction and this sudden display of gratitude, although still cold, had taken him completely by surprise. Fortunately, he was spared the necessity of replying by Steve’s return.</p><p>“Alright Buck, this is the last load for me.” he said hoisting several large bags onto his back. “We should be ready to go back to the farm. With any luck we’ll make it back to do the rounds before it gets too dark to see.”</p><p>Natasha followed the two men out of her store and to Steve’s wagon. When Steve finished loading the bags, he turned embraced Natasha fondly. Bucky felt his face flush in another pang of jealousy, loathe as he was to recognize it in himself.</p><p>“Bye Nat, I’ll come visit soon. I promise.”</p><p>“You had better Steven. It was far too long since your last visit and you barely spent any time here. The farm will not fall apart if you take a day to visit me мой дорогой.” With that she patted him fondly on the cheek before turning to Bucky “James it was a pleasure to meet you and I want you to know that I meant every word I spoke to you. Good luck on your journeys.” Steve hopped onto the wagon and nudged Star into a walk and the two men began the long ride back to the farm.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This chapter may have been a journey for Steve and Bucky, but it was also a journey for me to write. The Russian used in this was pulled from Google because I took French in school and know nothing about the language or Cyrillic. Since I missed last week I'm going to try to finish chapter seven in the next few days to get back on schedule for chapter nine. Also, on a more personal note, my goal with this chapter was to spend less time telling you things that had happened and more time showing the events, so let me know how I did. Please. I need so much validation. As always I appreciate you for reading and feel free to come to me with your questions, comments, and concerns either here or on Tumblr (@TwoAmusements)<br/>-TA</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter Seven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>We take a deep dive into the past.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW: One of the boys recounts the death of his friend, this is chapter where lynching is discussed<br/>TW: Lots of historic homophobia.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They had ridden most of the way back in a comfortable silence before Bucky remembered something earlier that puzzled him now.</p><p>“Steve?”</p><p>“Yeah, Bucky?”</p><p>“Why is Natasha’s last name Rushman? That doesn’t seem like an especially Russian name.” Steve chuckled lightly as he took a bite out of one of the cookies Natasha had snuck into wagon when he and Bucky had been distracted.</p><p>“Ellis Island claims another victim.”</p><p>“Huh?” Bucky was deeply confused by that remark. Although he knew the name, growing up in Kentucky had not led him to have much exposure to the immigration island.</p><p>“The people who work there have a funny little habit of changing names in order to, in their words, better suit, the new American identities. When her family immigrated, the officials told them their last name was Rushman now and none of them spoke enough English to understand what that meant until it was too late and so Romanov became Rushman” he paused here before continuing “just as Roffey became Rogers.”</p><p>“That doesn’t seem right for someone you don’t even know to arbitrarily assign you a whole new identity.” Bucky said, unable to prevent the slight rasp of emotion as he spoke. His own experience changing his name had brought about huge changes within himself that he’d never expected, some he liked, but others he did not.</p><p>“Yeah, but what can you do? Immigrants come to the United States to seek sanctuary in the so-called Land of Opportunity, but many end up facing a much harsher reality.” Steve’s voice also held touches of much deeper emotion, Bucky feeling emboldened by their agreement on this topic pushed further with his questions.</p><p>“Steve” he hesitated again, but Natasha’s words caused him to press on “Who’s Sam?” Steve heaved an enormous sigh.</p><p>“What did Nat say?” While his posture was stiff and his eyes were glued on the road, he had not outright rejected Bucky’s change in topic, so he continued.</p><p>“Nothing specific, just that you had been though a hard time with him.” He omitted the part where she had said that Bucky was good for him, although he wasn’t quite sure why. Steve ran his hand through his hair and stared at the back of Star’s head as though he’d never seen something more interesting in his life.</p><p>“Sam is… Sam was…” Steve paused to take a deep breath, exhaling loudly, before squaring his shoulders “Sam was my best friend. He was brilliant, honest, and the most intuitive person I’ve ever met. He was also black.” he paused again, this time sliding his gaze towards Bucky, who coughed in an attempt to conceal his shock. When he looked back and saw Steve’s defensive gaze, he knew his efforts hadn’t fooled the other man. “I know, its not something that many would have supported or even allowed but growing up I was a really sick child and Sam was the only one who ever made the effort to talk to me. It was just my mother and myself and she was always working, when you’re as poor as we were luxuries of disliking people based on where they’re born begin to slip away, which I’m sure you don’t know anything about.” That caught Bucky by surprise.</p><p>“What do you mean?” He asked sharply. Steve simply shrugged in response.</p><p>“You just seem like someone who grew up with money. Little things here and there gave it away, you’re absolutely useless with cattle for a start.”</p><p>“Was Sam good with cattle?” he responded desperate to get the conversation off of him.</p><p>“Sam was good with everyone and everything” he said, face clouding over with memories of a bygone day. “He had a knack for understanding exactly what people wanted. He always dreamed of becoming a doctor, but there aren’t any medical schools that accept black students, so he said he’d go to Europe and get his training there. I always used to laugh because we didn’t have enough money to buy shoes, let alone a ticket to cross the ocean, but we needed dreams. New York City tends to swallow up the poor and disenfranchised. My mother and I lived in a single room with four other families, but those days running around with Sam and coming home to my mother were some of the happiest in my life.”</p><p>“When I was ten, mom got sick, tuberculosis, and my lungs were so weak. She found Sam and told him that she loved me, but she couldn’t come home anymore. I never saw her again.” Steve paused to take a shuddering breath and Bucky couldn’t stop himself from reaching his arm out to Steve’s shoulder and squeeze it, providing sympathy and strength as best he could “I got pushed out of the apartment a week later because I couldn’t pay rent. Sam and I tried to find work for a few years, but nothing ever came up and we were desperate for something to change.”</p><p>“With nothing left to tie us to New York, we eventually decided to head to the Kansas Territory. It was supposed to be a haven of freedom and we were young and optimistic, dreaming of wide-open space instead of filthy, cramped city streets. We wanted to sleep under the stars instead of in trash filled alleyways, constantly on guard for someone to take the few possessions we owned. It took us a long time to make it, we couldn’t exactly afford to purchase a train ticket and even if we could, Sam and I would have been forced to travel separately and neither of us wanted that. When we finally made it to Kansas, we were poorer than we’d ever imagined possible and starving, but we were thrilled beyond belief.”</p><p>“There wasn’t much we could do in the way of jobs, so we traveled from farm to farm, not that there were all that many. We picked up odd jobs and learned how to grow crops, tend livestock, build with sod, and so many other things. It was fantastic. It was hard and we were hungry more often than not, but we learned so much and we always had one another. My lungs even began to improve from spending so much time in the open air. That went on for about two years. We were on the eastern side of the territory, we always tried to keep our distance from the border because of the fighting, but the jobs had been scarce, and we were desperate. I’ll never forget that night. We were staying in the barn in exchange for labor. It was late in the night when the noise started, soft at first, lots of whispers and chuckles, the kind of sound that my ma would tell me meant someone was up to no good. She was right.”</p><p>“A group of men charged into the barn and startled us both. They all stopped in their tracks when they saw us and for a minute, I thought they would leave, that we’d startled them enough to scare them off. Then one of them began to laugh and said ‘boys, this night just keeps getting better.’ I’ll never forget the smile on his face, it was a look of pure hatred. They charged us all at once. They didn’t seem to have guns, otherwise they would have certainly used them on us because the two of us fought hard, but there were just so many of them. I don’t really know what happened, but I must have been hit on the head because one minute I was fighting for my life with my best friend and then it all goes dark.”</p><p>“When I woke up, it was morning and I was in a field. I remember being extremely disoriented, not knowing my name or where I was so I just laid there waiting for something to happen. The fog in my head finally cleared and soon as it did, I jumped up and when I did, I saw what had happened while I was unconscious.” Steve’s eyes filled with tears and he began to choke on the words as he continued “They had burned the barn and the house to the ground, there was nothing left of the family that had been so kind to us and Sam— Sam—” Although his efforts to restrain his tears had been valiant, Steve lost them here and they began to stream down his cheeks. “They had built their home by a large tree and Sam was—Sam—” Waves of horror washed over Bucky as he realized what Steve was trying to say. He moved closer and wrapped his arms around the blonde man holding him and feeling entirely out of his depth.</p><p>They stayed like that for a time, Bucky wrapped around Steve, while Steve allowed emotions he had kept locked away for years to spill out. Eventually Steve began to control his gasps and the tears slowed. He sat up, pulling away from Bucky, who had to resist the urge to hold him tighter and closer, and wiped his eyes. “After I— After I buried Sam. I found a horse tied to a post, I think one of the men must have swapped his for the family’s horse. I didn’t know what to do or where to go and so I hopped on the horse and rode as far away from that place as I could.  Eventually I stumbled into Nat’s store and she helped me come back from the fog I’d gotten lost in. I wanted to move on, but she told me the price for her helping was to become a loyal patron of her store. It seemed like a fair price to pay and so I found some land, built my house and built my farm up to what it is today. I think Sam would be proud, at least I hope he would be.”</p><p>Bucky floundered for something to say and eventually settled on “I’m sure he would be.” Which felt trite and saccharine in his mouth but seemed to help Steve untense his back. They stayed silent for a time, each man lost in his thoughts. Eventually, desperate for something to say, Bucky opened his mouth.</p><p>“You were right, by the way.” Steve turned, eyebrow cocked, to look at him. “I did grow up with some money. Well—” now it was his turn to pause “more than some. A lot actually, my family owns a lot of land. If I said their name, you’d probably recognize it.” He waited to see if Steve would ask for the name and, feeling relief wash over him when no such question came, he carried on. “My family, they’re old money, my mother especially. Growing up her expectation for me wasn’t to be a child, but to be the heir to her reputation. I wasn’t allowed to do anything wrong or have a hair out of place.” He laughed at that and gave a rueful swipe through his overgrown brunette mop. “If she saw me like this, I’d get a lecture like you could never imagine. I’m sure she loved me in her own way, but she never felt like a mother to me, they way I read about them in books. She wasn’t warm or tender, it always felt like she was carved out of stone. I didn’t have friends growing up, I was taught to socialize and be charming, but things like sincerity and loyalty are lost in that highest echelon of Virginian culture.” Bucky spat the last part out bitterly, feelings of the past resurfacing and threatening to swallow him whole.</p><p>“What made you decide to leave?” Steve asked, a curious look on his face.</p><p>“Didn’t have much of a choice.” Bucky said a wry smirk twisting his lips. “Mother opened the door and said I was not welcome in her house or her precious family ever again.” In response, Steve made a sound somewhere between a snort and a gasp. “That surprises you? That’s because you never met her. Believe me when I tell you my mother never cared for anything or anyone other than herself and her prestige. The minute I became a threat to that, she was no longer my mother and I was no longer her son.”</p><p>“Barnes isn’t your real name, is it?”</p><p>“Oh, my name is James Barnes, Bucky to most. It just wasn’t the name I was born with.” There was another silence as they rounded a hill and Steve’s home came into view, reminding Bucky that he would be on his way soon. The thought of leaving Steve settled like a lead ball in his chest, a feeling he did his best to shove away.</p><p>“Well I should thank you again for letting me stay with you while Winter and I recovered. As soon as everything is unloaded, I’ll be out of your hair.” As he spoke, Bucky saw a peculiar emotion wash over Steve’s face, but it was gone as quickly as it came, returning to a carefully blank canvas.</p><p>“Bucky…” Steve began before trailing off, apparently unsure of what to say. Bucky sat there, desperately trying to make a plan for where to go next, but his thoughts kept trailing back to the man on the other side of the wagon.</p><p>“Steve?” The blonde man only shook his head as he brought the wagon around to the front of the house. He was in the process of unhitching Star when he finally spoke again.</p><p>“Stay here.” Bucky was certain he’d misheard.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Stay here.”</p><p>“I’ve taken too much of your hospitality as it is Steve, besides the sun has only just begun to set. I could ride for a couple of hours before I needed to make a camp.” Steve turned to look at him and Bucky saw his knuckles were white as he gripped Star’s harness.</p><p>“Not for the night. Stay here with me.” As Steve spoke his words began speed into a rush “I couldn’t pay you much, but I can give you food and a room. You’re actually a big help with the animals and I’ve been thinking of expanding, having another set of hands around would make that more achievable. Plus, I like having you around Bucky. I’ve been by myself out here for five years and this week has been one of the absolute best. You’re kind and you’re funny and I think we make a great team.” Bucky felt like his chest was going to explode, he ached to say yes and stay here, but the words wouldn’t come out instead he leaned against the wagon and steeled himself for what he knew he had to do.</p><p>“Steve, I can’t.” Steve’s face fell and, seeing his expression, Bucky discovered disappointing Steve caused him more pain than the time Parker had accidently shot him with Clint’s bow. “It’s not because I don’t want to, I do, but you deserve to know the truth. The truth about me and why it isn’t fair for me to stay.” Bucky took a steeling breath and, keeping his eyes firmly planted on the grass in front of him began.</p><p>“Earlier I told you that my mother was a cold woman for kicking me out, but the truth is she had good reason. Steve I’m…” he trailed off searching for the right word “…wrong. I tried, god, I tried so hard to be everything she wanted. I was enchanting, I danced, I knew everyone’s name, I hunted, I rode horses, I even participated in dressage, but the one thing I couldn’t do was love a woman.” His stomach churned as he said it out loud for the first time in his entire life, still staring directly downwards. “She sent me courting endlessly. I met every eligible women for five counties, but not one of them caught my attention. At first she laughed, telling me her blood had given me standards that wouldn’t settle for anyone less than the highest of social standings, but that wasn’t it.”</p><p>“About six years ago I met someone who did catch my attention, they were wonderful and witty and told me I was the most handsome man they’d ever seen.” He paused again before continuing with the damning statement “His name was Thomas Rumlow, but everyone called him Brock.” With that out of the way, the words came easily to Bucky. “We became fast friends and, after a time, lovers. He was so passionate I thought for sure we’d stay together forever. I was a fool.” Shame washed over him, heating his face and causing him to wrap his arms tightly around himself.</p><p>“Brock decided to marry a woman. She was incredibly wealthy, of course he scoffed when I suggested that’s why he wanted her. He told me I was fool, that he was simply doing what was expected to keep his family at the top of society, in it’s ‘rightful place.’ I was devastated. Of course, I knew we could never be together, not really, it’s not the way God intended, but he’d been my companion, my lover, and my closest friend for two years. He told me that it wouldn’t change our relationship, but I couldn’t continue with the charade. I said it would cause me too much pain to see him play the happy fiancé and husband from a distance, that I loved him, but that this would be goodbye.”</p><p>“I thought that would be the end of it, but something snapped in him. I truly believe that I was the first person to ever tell him ‘no.’ He’d always been possessive and angry, but I believed it was a sign of his love for me. I was wrong. He’d asked for the letters he’d written me, said he wanted to destroy them to prevent anyone from accidentally discovering our secret. I agreed and sent them all to him, like the fool I was. The very next week my mother received on of the letters I had written detailing my undying love for a man. It was a very personal letter that described things we had done in intimacy and the recipient’s name had been very carefully blocked out.”</p><p>“I couldn’t deny anything, my signature was right there before us, so when Mother confronted me, I told her the truth. She denounced me then and there. I was allowed five minutes to leave with only the clothes on my back, everything else had been bought for her son. A person who was now dead. I was an unwelcome and nameless stranger in her home, so I left. I had nowhere to go, no money, no possessions, and very few skills, I think Brock hoped to force me to return to him, but I refused to give him the satisfaction, so I walked as far as I could.”</p><p>“Eventually I found a job willing to hire someone with no experience or skill, I took the first name that came to mind and that was settled. I stayed there for about six months before Brock tracked me down and told them of my deviancy. Since then I’ve been moving from job to job. I came out west to work for the Pony Express. I thought I’d be safe here since there was little society, but I was still found out. I grabbed Winter and ran. That’s where you come into my unholy tale. The problem is that I can’t stay here, not because of Brock, but because of my own deviant nature. I find myself enraptured by you and it wouldn’t be fair to subject you to that. You deserve a man who is a real man, not some messed up freak like me.” He braced himself now. Steve was a kind man, but Bucky had confessed attraction to him, something condemned by God and all of society, if Steve killed him now, he would be justified.</p><p>“I don’t think you’re a freak.” Bucky’s head shot up, Steve was staring at him with an intense expression Bucky couldn’t identify “I don’t think you’re wrong.” As he spoke Steve closed the distance between them “I don’t think you’re a deviant.” Bucky’s heart hammered in his chest, his brain desperately struggling to process what was happening. “And if you are any of those things” Steve’s hand grabbed Bucky’s chin “then so am I.”</p><p>Their lips met and suddenly the rest of the world melted away.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So that was a mammoth of a chapter. I know it could have been two, but it just felt right to publish it as one. I hope you all agree. Shout out to anyone who catches the "Into the Woods" reference. Hopefully this helps make up for missing last week. As always, thank you so much for reading! I love to hear your thoughts, so drop a line here or on tumblr.<br/>-TA</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter Eight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Fluff, then a little angst, then some borderline adult fluff.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi guys! I'm back from my (completely unplanned) hiatus of planning a move and being terribly uninspired. The good news is that I am extremely excited for the next couple of chapters and that should help keep me honest moving forward. This chapter is mostly a feel good, with a hint of period appropriate day dreaming of being accepted.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The warmth was the first thing Bucky noticed when he awoke the next morning. Still half asleep and unwilling to question the comfort it provided he instead chose to curl deeper into it, enjoying the sensation. It wasn’t until the warmth let out a soft groan that Bucky’s memories of the night before returned to him, causing his eyes to shoot open. He was in a bed, but a different one than he had occupied the last few nights and the source of the warmth was, in fact, Steve. Bucky lay there unsure of what to do and unable to make an escape as their legs were tangled together and Steve and thrown one massive arm across his chest and pulled him close while they slept.</p><p>There he stayed until he felt a breath at his neck and a voice in his ear whisper “Good morning Buck.” A shock of pleasure ricocheted down his body and his chest tightened, but he still managed to choke out a response, if only barely. Steve chuckled softly and planted a kiss at the base of Bucky’s neck. This time Bucky was unable to prevent the sound of pleasure that escaped him despite his best efforts to contain it, a sound that seemed to elicit quite the response from Steve. Suddenly Bucky was flipped off his side and onto his back and pinned down two-hundred-and-twenty pounds of Wyoming Territory farmer. Their lips met again and again, each of them savoring the other. Bucky allowed his hands to wander from Steve’s impossibly wide shoulders and down his back, enjoying every ripple of muscle along the way. The blonde’s hands also began to travel and quickly settled on his hips, digging in firmly and pulling them even closer. Just as he began to contemplate removing Steve’s shirt the loud, braying call of a cow filled the space and broke the spell between them. Steve pulled back looking flushed and slightly bashful, while Bucky laid there wondering if he would be forgiven for murdering the cow.</p><p>“I should probably go check on Nellie.” No, he would not be forgiven if he killed Nellie. Bucky sighed and sat up.</p><p>“You go check on her and I’ll have breakfast ready when you get back.” Steve smiled at that before leaning in to kiss him once more.</p><p>“I’ll hurry back.”</p><p>XXX</p><p>Steve had perfect timing, arriving just as Bucky finished cooking their breakfast. Rather than heading straight for the table, however, he headed straight to Bucky, one hand wrapping around his waist and the other his neck. Their lips met yet again, the kiss deepening almost immediately, but this time Bucky pulled away.</p><p>“Not now Stevie, I made breakfast for you and I don’t want you to miss the brief window in which it’s edible.” Feeling he had made a perfectly reasonable request, given his history with cooking, Bucky turned and headed for the table. He had only gone about two steps before he felt large hands secure themselves around his hips, pulling him back until he was pressed against a very muscular body.</p><p>“Maybe I’m not hungry for food anymore.” Bucky laughed at the comment.</p><p>“You’d better be, I went to a lot of trouble to make it and you are going to eat it and enjoy it.” Steve heaved a dramatic sigh and released his grip but chuckled as he sat down. They sat in silence for a few minutes, both men lost in thought. It was Steve who broke it.</p><p>“You know, you never actually answered my question last night.”</p><p>“Which question? There were several as I recall.” Bucky replied as his mind returned to the bed in the next room where Steve and he had wrapped around one another and spoke about their lives for hours until they finally fell asleep.</p><p>“The one where I asked you to stay here with me.” Steve said, his sapphire blue eyes performing the best pleading pout of which they were capable. Bucky laughed and playfully kicked at Steve’s leg under the table.</p><p>“How can I turn down such a tempting offer? Particularly when the boss is so charming.”</p><p>“I don’t think you can, I guess you just have to accept it and move in officially.” Steve said, eyes still in full force.</p><p>“Fine.” He replied, grumbling, but doing his best to not smile “Anything to get you to stop making those cow eyes at me.” Steve’s head cocked in response and a dangerous glint suddenly flickered in the aforementioned eyes. Bucky felt his stomach tighten unsure of what was to come from the blonde man. Suddenly Steve let out a loud long bellow that sounded remarkably like the one that had interrupted them only a short time ago.</p><p>“Moo” Bucky exploded into laughter and was quickly joined by his newfound companion.</p><p>“On second thought, maybe I should go. I don’t think it would be safe for me to stay with a lunatic who goes around mooing like a cow.” he said as he rose and pretended to make his way to the door. A charade that was quickly put to a rest when a hand darted out and caught his wrist, pulling the two men together. Bucky’s mind melted and as it did, he felt a flicker of defiant annoyance that yet again, with such a simple maneuver he had been rendered to a useless puddle by Steve.</p><p>“You didn’t seem to mind it this morning when you woke up in that lunatic’s bed. Or last night when you went to sleep in it. Or when you spent hours pressed against the wall of the house kissing that lunatic over and over, making him want you even more than he already did.” The puddle that Bucky had previously turned into was evaporating into steam. He was learning very quickly that Steve was a someone who took control and Bucky would be lying to himself if he didn’t admit how much he liked it or, dare he even say it, liked Steve. Instead he settled for emitting a soft moan and deepening the kiss.</p><p>XXX</p><p>“Don’t you wish this could be how it was forever?” Steve whispered into Bucky’s hair one afternoon. The two were lounging on a blanket in fields enjoying the sunshine and each other’s presence.</p><p>“Who says it can’t be?” Bucky replied, leaning into the taller man’s broad chest and appreciating, yet again, how strong he was.</p><p>“Of course it can be Buck, but what if Shield becomes a thriving community? What would we do?” Bucky, caught off-guard by this line of inquiry paused for a moment, running a hand along Steve’s arm, before answering.</p><p>“I guess we would minimize our physical interaction when we were in town and let everyone assume we are two bachelors hard at work.” Steve sighed at his words, causing a prickle of frustration in Bucky’s chest “What else could we do Stevie? It’s not as though we could ever tell people or—” he paused again “get married.”</p><p>Suddenly Steve propped himself up on his elbows and made deliberate eye contact with his dark-haired lover, his blue eyes gleaming with excitement at the idea. “What if we could?” Bucky tried to restrain the snort that question prompted, but it was all in vain, he snorted, loudly and derisively.</p><p>“Stevie, there is not a single community in the entire world that would sanctify that. Not in the Old World, the New, or anywhere else. Believe me, I know. When I first realized what I was, I spent weeks— WEEKS studying up on every culture I could. There are not that accept people like us. If there were, I would have gone there a long time ago and forgotten all about this God forsaken country.” As Bucky spoke, Steve’s eyes softened, and he shifted so he could wrap his arms around his distraught paramour.</p><p>“I didn’t know” he whispered, as Bucky worked to slow his breath “I just want to help make a world where I can call you mine to everyone we meet. A world where I can shout it from mountains, and everyone will see and understand.”</p><p>“Oh Stevie, that’s a beautiful thought, but you can’t change people like that. The rest of the world will never accept the two of us.” Steve stilled at Bucky’s words.</p><p>“Anything is possible. If we work hard and show people that we are just like everyone else, they’ll have no choice.” This time Bucky did succeed in holding in his snort. He could see the passion and the determination gleaming in Steve’s sapphirine eyes and for a moment, Bucky could almost picture that world. It was a brief moment, but full of beauty and joy and quickly doused as his mother’s voice came echoing in his memory, unbidden, unwanted, but unstoppable <em>I have no son. No one from this family would ever allow themselves to succumb to such devilry. I have no son. You have five minutes to leave before I have you thrown out.  I have no son. Never come back here again. I have no son.</em></p><p>“Maybe I’m wrong Stevie, for once I’d actually love to be.” Steve reached out and brushed his hand along his cheek.</p><p>“High praise, I know just how much that must have hurt you to say.” The tension began to melt away as the note of teasing entered Steve’s voice.</p><p>“You have no idea the pain I am in. I might need to visit a doctor. My throat is in agony, I may perish here before you.” As he spoke, Bucky stretched his head to the side, displaying the full stretch of his neck, brushing his hand gently along his collar bone. It was a tactical move and he was rewarded with a dilation of Steve’s pupils, the bright blue darkening despite the bright sunlight all around them. Strong, callused hands shot out and pinned his own on either side of his head as a muscular leg was tossed over him pinning Bucky completely.</p><p>“Well we can’t have that happening, now can we?” As Steve spoke, his voice lowered to a growl and he leaned in “I do have some experience in the medical field and would be only too happy to provide you with assistance as the nearest doctor is nearly a day’s journey away.”</p><p>Then Steve’s lips made contact with the base of Bucky’s neck. He felt teeth and a slight suction before his vision blurred from pleasure and all thought of changing the world fled from his mind.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>There it is! Fluff is a lot harder to write when all you want to do is tear their happiness apart, foreshadowing? Maybe. Depression? Probably. As always, I am so happy that you have chosen to read something I read. Please let me know what you thought here or on Tumblr (@TwoAmusements). If you're in America and eligible, make sure you are registered to vote and remember that we cannot allow the status quo to continue, remember that a vote for the president is also a vote for the entire cabinet and multiple seats on the Supreme Court. <br/>-TA</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter Nine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The bubble of Steve and Bucky's domestic life is burst by shocking news from the East.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter was the one I was both most excited and most terrified to write from the conception of this story. I had a great/terrible time writing it and I hope you have a great/terrible time reading it.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“So dawn goes into day, nothing gold can stay”</em>
</p><p>- Robert Frost</p><p>The days passed in much the same way. The season turned and Bucky and Steve settle into a comfortable rhythm. They worked on the ranch, tending to the animals, attempting to understand how to successfully grow crops, and similar domestic pursuits. It was everything Bucky had ever dreamed of, he didn’t mind the hard work because Steve was right there beside him, sharing in the sweat and the laughter.</p><p>The day everything changed began much like any other, with one marked exception. Steve was heading to Shield and unlike the last time, Bucky would be staying at home.</p><p>“Are you sure you won’t come with?” Steve asked for the thousandth time, by Bucky’s calculation, as they loaded up the cart. He rolled his eyes and gave the same response he had given the last thousand times the question had been posed.</p><p>“You know I’d love to Stevie, but someone has to stay here and make sure Lori doesn’t toss her calf to the wolves like the crazy heifer she is.” Lori, short for Lorraine, was one of Steve’s younger cows and a first-time mother, making her much less tolerant of her baby than a more practiced cow like Peggy. Both he and Steve had agreed that one of them needed to stay and make sure Lorraine didn’t try to abandon her calf somewhere they couldn’t find it. Steve grumbled and pulled Bucky in for a kiss. Which Bucky gracefully accepted before playfully shoving the taller man away.</p><p>“Hurry up, the sooner you leave, the sooner you get back. I’ll have dinner waiting for you when you get back.” Steve grumbled again, but this time Bucky knew it was mostly for show and hoisted himself into the wagon. “Tell Natasha I said hello and don’t eat all the cookies she sends with you on the way back or else.” With that Bucky stretched up on his toes and gave Steve one last kiss.</p><p>He watched Steve ride off in the wagon, laughing and preparing to go check on the cattle, blissfully unaware of the events that were soon to come.</p><p>XXX</p><p>The day progressed quickly, but rather boringly as Bucky went about doing the usual chores, feeding Winter, checking on the crops, petting Peggy when she noticed he was nearby. Lori did try to abandon her calf that day, but Bucky was able to find it and guide the young animal back to the herd. <em>Poor guy</em> he thought as nudged the calf toward Lori <em>I know just how it feels</em>. Realizing his thoughts were quickly traveling down a path he did not want to experience, Bucky quickly distracted himself by grabbing the hoe and chopping at the thistles that kept appearing in Steve’s cattle field. The work was physical enough to distract him, but no so taxing that he would have to take breaks, before long the sky was painted with oranges and pinks and Bucky realized Steve would be home soon.</p><p>Throwing the hoe over his shoulder, he trotted back to the house to get dinner ready in time for Steve’s return, but not before shooting a disapproving glare over his shoulder at Lori. Bucky tossed vegetables in the pot, only half paying attention, too distracted by the thought of Steve coming back to truly devote himself to the current task. He set out two plates and as he did so a wave of emotion came over him.</p><p>Bucky had spent his entire life in the cold, not literally as his family was from Virginia and the weather was frequently warm there, but emotionally. His parents were cold, he could barely recall what his father looked like these days, having seen him so infrequently in his childhood. Their home had been a massive thing, but empty and cold. Even his relationship with Brock, wonderful as it had seemed at the time, was cold, calculated, and hard. Being here, on a tiny farm in the middle of nondescript land in one of the most frequently forgotten territories, Bucky felt warm for the first time in his life, something had changed it all for him, <em>Steve</em>.</p><p>The sound of Star clopping through the yard, wagon rattling, soon filled the air and Bucky rushed out the front door, feeling only slightly bashful of how much he already missed the smiling blonde man; but when Bucky saw Steve, illuminated by the fading sunset, he was not smiling. Instead, he looked rather like someone who had been knocked on their back and hadn’t managed to reorient themselves to the world yet. Bucky faltered at this sight, his eyebrows pressing together with concern.</p><p>“Steve?” he questioned, but he received no response. “Steve?” he repeated, louder this time, stepping closer to the wagon, still nothing. “Stevie?” hearing the endearment seemed to snap the aforementioned man out of his trance. He looked down at Bucky and attempted a smile that only succeeded in worrying Bucky further.</p><p>“Stevie, what’s wrong? Did something happen” he said, coming in closer and attempting to discern what had caused this change in the cheerful, exuberant man who had left this morning “Is Natasha alright?”</p><p>“She’s fine, sent these for us.” Without focusing on anything in particular, Steve reached over and tossed a sealed bag full bag of cookies at Bucky.</p><p>“You didn’t eat a single one on the ride back?” he exclaimed upon examining the bag and its contents “Steve, please! What is going on?”</p><p>“It’s finally happened.”</p><p>“What finally happened?” Steve hopped off the wagon and began unhitching Star before he replied.</p><p>“You know how the southern states began seceding a few months back?” Bucky nodded, still completely confused about what was happening.</p><p>“President Lincoln has declared war; they’re going to fight.” He turned from the cart and for the first time that night, looked Bucky squarely in the eyes “Bucky, he’s fighting to abolish slavery. It’s finally happening.”</p><p>Bucky felt his stomach clench into a knot. He was excited, of course, he had grown up surrounded by enslaved people who were treated horrifically and as the abolitionist movement gained popularity, he’d been a staunch supporter (to his mother’s horror). The fear he felt came from the glint in Steve’s eye, it was bright, impossibly so in the soft dusk light, but it was also wild and emphatic.</p><p>“Steve, that’s great!” Bucky said, making a valiant effort to quell his unease. “It’s about time too, I could not believe Buchanan’s refusal to acknowledge the issue during his presidency.”</p><p>“Bucky, it’s more than great, it’s fantastic!” Steve punctuated his excitement by grabbing Bucky by the waist and swinging him around, no small feat considering his love’s size. “We are going to help rid this country of slavery.”</p><p>The knot is Bucky’s stomach turned to lead and fell to his feet in an instant.</p><p>“What do you mean Steve?” The wild blue eyes locked with Bucky’s gray.</p><p>“We’re going to fight in the army, of course.”</p><p>“No, we’re not. Steve, we can’t go fight.” As he spoke, Bucky attempted to place his hand on Steve’s arm, but the blonde jerked away as though he’d been burned, so Bucky continued. “Our place is here. Lincoln will stop the Confederacy. What difference can two men make?”</p><p>“We could make all the difference Bucky. What if everyone has the same attitude as that?” Steve’s face was flushed, and his words began to come faster and faster. “We cannot stand by while others fight in our place, these people need our help, they’ve been held down for centuries and deserve the same rights as everyone else.”</p><p>“The same rights as everyone else?” Bucky felt his heart hammering faster in his chest and his breath was becoming shallow, as though something heavy was being pressed upon him, preventing him from drawing a sturdy breath. “What about our rights Steve? What about my right to love you?” The words came out of his mouth before he could stop them, but the tension in his chest, this emotion he could not identify, was consuming all of his being. “Union or Confederate they’d kill us both if they knew what we were, what we’ve done. We can’t go!” By the time he finished, he was shouting, his heart was pounding with such force that Bucky felt sure it would blast out of chest before much longer.</p><p>“That is no reason for us to stay away!” Now Steve was shouting too and as he did, he ran a hand through his blonde hair, causing it to stand in every direction, furthering deranging his appearance. “Sure, maybe my love for you is not accepted today, but maybe it could be in a year. If we end the enslavement of people for something as arbitrary as the color of their skin, maybe they will allow people to love whomever they chose.” Massive hands grabbed Bucky’s shoulders, squeezing as if Steve was willing him to understand. Unfortunately, Bucky understood something else all too well and he jerked away, tears building in his eyes. The tightness in his chest refused to abate as he spoke again.</p><p>“That’s never going to happen Steve. Never. You don’t know what the people who lead this country are like, I do. I know who they are. I know what they talk about when they think no one can hear. I know that they will use every chance they can to keep their wealth and their power. People like us will always be the enemy; the only thing for us to do is stay away from it, stay here!”</p><p>“Bucky, I cannot stand by. We could get through the war together, I know it; but I will go with or without you, because it is the right thing to do.” The intensity in Steve’s eyes had built to a flame. The two men stood mere inches apart and the next words out of Bucky’s mouth, spoken in passion, rage, and desperation, would shape his life for years to come in ways he could never have imagined.</p><p>“No matter how many people you save, you’re never going to bring Sam back!” As soon as the words left his mouth, Bucky knew he had gone too far. Steve’s face darkened into a tempest of emotion and his hands curled into fists.</p><p>“Well you know what Buck? At least I’m not some spoiled little rich boy who refuses to face any of his fears. Maybe I can’t bring Sam back, but fighting to protect those like him is a hell of a lot better than running away and pretending to be someone else. You haven’t even told me your real name <em>James Buchanan Barnes</em>.” Steve spat the name back at him with a level of vitriol Bucky had not thought his lover to be capable of, but the that ire only raised his temper further.</p><p>“Maybe I have told you, but you’re so busy parading your pain around to any sorry soul who might listen that you never noticed. Did you ever think of that Oh Mighty Hero?”</p><p>“Go to Hell, Bucky!” Steve roared</p><p>“I must already be there because you’re here with me!” Bucky roared back in kind. Steve’s fist raised to eye level and Bucky braced himself for a punch that never came. Instead Steve slammed his fist into the wall of the house with a resounding smack. The two men stood in a deafening silence, both panting for air and glaring thunderously at the other.</p><p>“I wish you’d never shown up here.” The voice was jarring in the silence, but still far softer than Steve’s previous declaration had been. With that, the blonde man strode into the house and Bucky was left alone to contemplate what they’d done.</p><p>“If that’s how you feel, then I guess I won’t burden you any further.” He said in the direction of the house as he took off towards the barn. He grabbed the saddle he’d stolen from the Pony Express station, something that now seemed a lifetime ago. A life from before he’d known Steve Rogers.</p><p>“C’mon Winter” Bucky cooed to his mare as he tightened the saddle in place. “We’re not wanted here and if we aren’t wanted, then we should go. Mother always said its impolite to overstay one’s welcome.”</p><p>With that he led the mare into the yard, hopped on her back and rode into night. As the light in the house disappeared around the corner, Bucky felt something inside him break and the tears began to fall.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I would like everyone to consider this my official apology to Little_oblivion, angst writer extraordinaire, I finally get why you write such terrible things for your characters, it's kind of fun. </p><p>I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. If you did, I'd love to hear what you think.</p><p>-TA</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Letters from War</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Two chapters in one week? Who am I? This chapter is one that I have really been looking forward to writing and I didn't want to wait until Thursday to post it.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Dear Stevie,</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>There are so many things I wish I could take back about that night. I said terrible things that you did not deserve to have thrown at you. All you wanted to do was fight for what you believed in, I can see that now, but all I wanted to do was keep you safe. You bring out the best in me. I have been running away from my problems for so long, I assumed that you would be running with me. I should have known better; you are far too kind for that. Steve Rogers doesn’t run from a fight. Unfortunately, I do. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>After I left <strike>our</strike> your farm, I rode east. I didn’t have a plan, but I knew I needed to get so far away from you that I couldn’t go back. You deserve someone better. Someone who fights for good. Someone more like you. I knew that if I had the option, I would try to come back to you; but just like I knew I would try to come back, I knew you wouldn’t want to see me. Having to face the hurt that I caused you would break me. Steve, I love you. I love you more than I ever loved Brock. I love you more than I ever loved my family, low as that milestone may be. You are the only person who has looked at me for who I truly am and accepted me, and then I went and ruined it all.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’ve decided to enlist in the war. Ironic isn’t it? I left you because I didn’t want you getting killed in the war and now, I’m signing up to be on the front lines. I wish I could say I’m fighting because I want to do what’s right. On some level I’d like to believe I am. No one should be persecuted because of the way they’re born and the buying and selling human lives is an abomination. Unfortunately, I’m not as noble as you. I know the Union will prevail and slavery will be abolished. Even if, by some bizarre twist of fate, this so-called Confederacy were to prevail they would not last for long. The enslavement of people has proven to be completely unsustainable and the south has been struggling to keep it afloat for many years.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The truth is that I am fighting for you. Every solider I stop could have been the soldier that would have shot you in another battle. I am fighting to ensure that you stay safe. I am fighting to keep you alive because you deserve a long, happy life and even if I am unable to live it with, I want to feel as though I was able to make your life better the way you have made mine.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Yours Forever,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>James Buchanan Barnes</em>
</p><p> </p><p>XX</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Dear Stevie,</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>I just learned that Ulysses Grant has secured the first major victory for the Union. I was not at the siege of Fort Donelson, but I everything I have heard indicates it was a remarkable victory. At the last count I heard, almost 12,000 men from the rebel army have been captured. Were you there? If you were, I can only imagine the confidence “Unconditional Surrender” Grant had knowing you were fighting alongside him. I hope you safe. I know you weren’t, but I hope those around you kept you safe. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>So far I haven’t seen much of the opposition. There have been a few skirmishes, but most of my time is spent on guard duty or preparing my kit to travel to a new location in order to have guard duty there. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I have not written in some time, but St Valentine’s Day has just passed, and it is tradition to give the one you love a note expressing your affection for them. I have nothing but affection for you and I miss you terribly.  I hope that someday I may see you again. I know it is selfish as you will likely never again wish to see me, but I find myself picturing it in my spare moments with increasing regularity. After the war has ended, I will be walking down a busy street and see you out of the corner of my eye. You are standing there smiling that smile that takes my breath away every single time (no matter how much I will it not to). You are in uniform, highly decorated from your immeasurable service to the country and as I watch someone comes up to you and wraps your hand in their’s and your smile grows even brighter. You don’t see me, but I see you and, in that moment, I get to know that you are loved by someone who deserves you.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I have never been a person who puts much stock in prayer, but I have to confess that I take a moment to pray for you every night. I adore you Steve, I hope you are being safe.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Yours Forever,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>James Buchanan Barnes</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>P.S. Given the proximity to St. Valentine’s Day, I could not resist including this passage from Hamlet, it may be a few weeks passed rather than tomorrow, but know that I am waiting to be your Valentine.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“To-morrow is Saint Valentine's day,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>All in the morning betime,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And I a maid at your window,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>To be your Valentine.”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>XX</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Dear Stevie,</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Time has begun to crawl unbearably slowly here. Life is much the same as it always is, but militant living has no appeal for me. I spent the first year behaving myself and staying dedicated, I have even been promoted to Corporal for my work. Work I am not allowed to talk about on paper lest they fall in the wrong hands, but I prefer it that way as they are tasks that I prefer not to dwell upon. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>I have not learned which general you are under the command of, but knowing you, you are right in the thick of it with General Grant. My father must be absolutely furious about his success. He went to West Point with him and loved to regale us with the story of how he was forced to resign due to his intemperance. Apparently, General Grant rather frequently outshone him in their classes.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Things remain much the same as they have in all my previous letters to you. I have developed quite the collection. Eventually I am going to be forced to either send them somewhere or begin destroying them with how much space they are all beginning to take up in my pack. I cannot bring myself to do either yet. I have nowhere to send them, but the thought of destroying my correspondence with you, one-sided though it may be, fills me with such disgust I feel as though I have been turned upside down and struck by lightning all at once.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>We are beginning to march further east, more than that I cannot say on paper, although this paper will not leave my side. Whenever reinforcements arrive, I allow myself to hope that you will be amongst them. It is a foolish dream, but one that I cannot prevent myself from participating in. I fight for you now, as I have always fought for you. You are my guide and my light.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Yours Forever,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Corporal James Buchanan Barnes</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>XX</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Dear Stevie,</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Please forgive the poor quality of my hand as I write this, but I do not have much time. We have just been given our orders and I do believe we will be laying siege on Port Hudson, the rebels’ last foothold of the Mississippi River. If I am right, this will not be an easy battle and one that may cost many lives. In the event that I am one of the lives lost, know that my last thought was of you. I have lived a life full of mistakes and disappointments, but none will ever measure up to the night I lost you. I hope you can forgive me. Hopefully I will be writing you again soon. I love you.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Yours,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Bucky</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>There you have it, a couple of snapshots of Bucky's life P.S. (Post Steve). A slightly shorter chapter, but something fun and different. I hope you guys liked it, let me know what you thought. </p><p>-T.A.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Bucky attempts to figure out what comes next. A certain determined nurse does her best to help him.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Here it is! It's Thursday and I'm posting! I hope you all like it.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>August 1865</em>
</p><p>The comb clattered to the floor for the fourth time that morning.</p><p>“Damn.” Bucky declared, to no one in particular, as he bent over to retrieve his lost comb.</p><p>“It’s a good thing Goodyear managed to get his unbreakable combs to the market when he did, otherwise we wouldn’t have any combs left.” The voice called out in light and airy tone. It was the voice of someone attempting to diffuse the tension in the room. Bucky had heard this tone many times since the end of the war, and he was getting damn well tired of them.</p><p>“Too bad, maybe if I broke all the combs you would finally let me leave this hell pit.” A laugh, much brighter and far more genuine than the previous sound filled the room.</p><p>“Barnes, you are incorrigible. I have never, in all my years of experience encountered someone who so badly needs a slap in the face.” The earnestness in her voice and the practically audible eye roll soothed Bucky’s rising temper as he turned to face his companion, a strong, attractive woman with her brunette hair pulled back in a simple style and her sharp, calculating eyes.</p><p>“Forgive me Nurse Hill, oh great wise warden of all knowledge. I prostrate myself uponst thy feet and beggeth for thyne mercy.” As he spoke Bucky made a great show of preparing to lower himself to his knees. Nurse Hill scoffed but smiled as she replied.</p><p>“Bucky Barnes if you get stuck on the floor for the sake of making fun of me, I will not help you back up. I will leave you stranded there like a turtle, so help me Lord.” Bucky allowed his face to take a dramatic facsimile of pain as he registered her words. “It would be what you deserve. Especially after all the trouble you have put me through.” The man laughed lightly as he straightened back up, wincing slightly at the pain in his knee, a wince Hill noticed immediately.</p><p>“You know if you weren’t such a smart mouthed dope, that wouldn’t be bothering you right now.”</p><p>“Right now, the only thing that is truly bothering me is that I have been attempting to comb my hair, unsuccessfully for the last forty-five minutes. I thought I was supposed to have adjusted by now.” The dark-haired man spoke accusingly as he absent-mindedly ran his right arm over what remained of his opposite shoulder, the place which had previously been the point at which his left arm been attached. Hill’s face softened, if only by a fraction, at Bucky’s words.</p><p>“Everyone adjusts in their own time. Some things may never feel like they used to for you and that is okay.” Reaching out and giving his hand a comforting squeeze.</p><p>“Maria” Something he only called Nurse Hill in rare moments of honesty “It’s been two years. Two years since I saw battle, two years since I first arrived here. Why can I not get the hang of operating without one lousy arm? I have seen soldier after soldier come through here and move on without a second thought, but here I am incapable of handling even the simplest tasks.” During his tirade he ran his remaining hand through his still uncombed hair, tousling it further.  “Damn it!”</p><p>“Listen to me James.” As the nurse spoke, she picked up his comb and put it back into his hand “You are capable. You have already made great strides. I told you that some activities may never be the same and that’s true, but it doesn’t mean you should give up. Which as I recall, is exactly what you told Banner yesterday.” Bruce Banner had been a medic in Union Army until a particularly bad battle had rendered him unable to continue serving and lost him a leg. Losing his arm had cost Bucky a lot, but something in Banner’s mind had given way and his temper quickly became something everyone at the hospital feared, everyone except Bucky.</p><p>Instead of replying, Bucky turned around and attempted to style and comb his hair one-handed for the fifth time. The room fell silent as Maria watched him push his hair around attempting to achieve his desired style. Bucky surprised himself at how smoothly the process went this time and he finished without dropping the comb once. He set the irritating tool down and took a breath. In the end, it was Maria who broke the silence.</p><p>“What a difference a haircut and some grooming can make.” Bucky scoffed “I’m serious James, you are a very handsome man. That special someone of yours is lucky to have you.” Hearing that caused Bucky’s breath to catch in his throat and his stomach to plummet to the floor. <em>Did she read my letters? Does she know what I am? </em> He tried to calm himself down <em>Maybe she assumed Stevie is a pet name for a girl. Two men in love is rarely someone’s first assumption.</em> He eventually settled on playing dumb.</p><p>“I don’t have anyone Nurse Hill. That’s part of the reason I have stayed here so long.” Now it was Maria’s turn to scoff.</p><p>“Nurse Hill? What have I done to provoke you?” Bucky said nothing “James… Bucky, I’ve seen you writing those letters that you never send. Why don’t you want to send them?”</p><p>“Because—” he trailed off unsure of what he wanted to say “Because I messed up. I said terrible things. I hurt the person I love the most and I didn’t want to face that reality.” He sank to the floor, head in his hand. The shame merging with his earlier frustration to create a painful pinch at his temples. Maria sat beside him and placed a consoling hand on his good shoulder.</p><p>“But you’re ready now? This person you hurt; you want to repair the damage?”</p><p>“Even if I wanted to, it’s too late. It’s been four years since we last saw one another. I was still me then, still whole.” Suddenly the pain at his temples became less pronounced as another pain, at the back of his head, bloomed forth.</p><p>“James Buchanan Barnes, what kind of self-effacing, masturbatory, Emily Bronte nonsense are you pulling?” he looked up, shocked by Maria’s tone and equally shocked that she had hit him on the back of the head. “Don’t you give me that ‘I don’t understand’ look. You know exactly what I mean. Out there is a wonderful person whom you love very much and who probably loves you just as much and you would rather live your life in empty solitude because you lost an arm?”</p><p>“It’s more complicated than that, I said terrible things.”</p><p>“And were terrible things said back to you?” The question caught Bucky by surprise.</p><p>“I— I guess?”</p><p>“Were they, or weren’t they?”</p><p>“They were. Things were said that hurt me, badly.”</p><p>“Then it sounds to me like you two simply had a fight. You know what adult humans do after they have a fight Bucky? They talk things through.” Her tone shifted to a slightly softer tone “Now, you’re leaving in one hour so better make sure you’ve packed everything, but I hope that when the car drops you off at the train station, you choose the train that takes you back to your love. Life is hard enough James. You’ve been through war. You have seen the worst of mankind laid before you. We all could use more love. Especially now.” With that she stood, dusted herself off, straightened her apron and left. Bucky remained on the floor for some time after she had left, contemplating her words.</p><p>XXX</p><p>The drive to the train station had been uneventful. Maria had seen him off with professional nod and thanks for his assistance with the soldiers. Bucky was sad to leave. The hospital had been filled with sadness, but once he had been discharged, he had enjoyed the work. It felt good to help people. <em>Damn it Steve</em>. The blonde bastard who wanted to save everyone had gotten into his head after all.</p><p>Bucky stood now staring at the train station, a suitcase full of his meager possessions in hand, unsure of which train to take. Although he did his best to ignore them Maria’s words were still ringing in his ears <em>choose the train that takes you back to your love</em>.</p><p>“The train to Kansas City will be departing in ten minutes. Train heading west to Kansas City will be departing in ten minutes.” The voice rang out over the crowd. <em>Kansas City? </em> Bucky pondered it as he stared at the map of railways posted on the wall. <em>Wyoming would not be that far. I could take the train as far as it goes and then buy a horse.</em></p><p>“Excuse me, sir?” Bucky wheeled around, shocked that someone had crept on him while he was lost in thought.</p><p>“Can I help you?” he asked, in what he hoped was a polite tone, though he doubted it was the by expression on the man in question’s face. He opened his mouth to reply, but as Bucky faced him fully, the man’s eyes drifted to the empty sleeve and it snapped shut again. Bucky waited.</p><p>“Oh nothing, I was just wanting to look at the map, but you take your time.” The man’s voice had become saccharine, it dripped with the tone of someone who felt pity for something pathetic. Bucky’s temper flared, but he did his best to shove it away. Instead he moved away but he took care to bump the man with the scarred remnant of his left shoulder as he passed. The man flinched, something Bucky noticed with great satisfaction before walking away. His thoughts turned again to his destination.</p><p>
  <em>Kansas City. Wyoming. Maybe. Just maybe.</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Well there you have it. The war is over and things are changing in America. Hopefully things will be changing again, but that can only happen if you vote so make sure you are registered and go out and do it! </p><p>Historic fun fact for this chapter: The "unbreakable" comb (made from vulcanized rubber) was created by a man named Goodyear in the mid 1800s, prior to that they were often made of wood or ivory and as such were prone to breaking. The tire company named after him, would not come to be until nearly 40 years following his death.</p><p>Thanks for reading<br/>-TA</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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